Please help me

Tw self harm, suicide.

Hello. I will attempt to keep this brief. I do have a therapist and psychiatrist right now, but I am concerned of the consequences of bringing up these symptoms.

I (20M) have been dealing with what I believe to be some scattered symptoms of psychosis. It started after I started to smoke weed more often, and the symptoms are certainly much much more inhibitory when I am high. I get really bad dissociation, I feel like I have multiple people in my head sometimes, I feel like I turn into this self destructive monster that just wants to cut and bleed and doesn’t care about the future or consequences. When I am in this state I am currently able to keep from cutting anywhere visible, so nobody knows. I am terrified of reaching out for help, I feel like it is my own fault and that it is a personal failure that I am going through this. I am terrified of being misunderstood by professionals. I am able to convince myself that everything is absolutely fine at times, that I made up all the symptoms I have been experiencing. That is kinda where I’m at right now, I have notes I have written myself, but I barely remember doing so. I know it felt so intense in the moment, but I feel so disconnected from it. One note: “i dont care im not him. this is all i am. i am not capable of anything more than this. and thats okay. he doesnt need to know im here. im genuinely considering going to the hospital. i just wish i could go and he could stay. i dont want to do this again. eventually these worlds are going to collide.” Like what the fuck even is that. But then I feel fine now so I feel like I am exaggerating. I get into headspace where I am absolutely convinced my life is over, that it is okay and logical for me to be so intensely self destructive, and I’m honestly scared of losing my inhibitions one of these times and doing something I can’t take back. I have a very unstable sense of self, but I have been suicidal off and on since around 10 or 11 years old, I don’t entirely remember as my childhood is fuzzy. I feel like writing it out it looks so much more dramatic than it feels, because again I feel so incredibly normal right now. I’m seeking control in my life, that much I know. I feel so incredibly lost. The world around me often doesn’t feel real, I don’t entirely know how to describe it, but it’s almost as if I’m dreaming, that nothing exists but the current moment and there are no consequences because I don’t truly exist. Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself go through life, like it’s a video game.

My fear is that these feelings will get more intense and that I will lose contact with reality completely. I do have a family history of schizophrenia.

I am struggling a lot right now. I have been genuinely considering suicide. I have a job as a first responder, and I desperately do not want to lose it. It is the only (healthy) thing that brings me joy.

Please, if anyone could give me any insight or next steps that would be greatly appreciated. I also have been diagnosed with ocd, so I am not sure if this fear of developing psychosis is part of that. I am happy to answer any questions.