thoughts of wanting to disappear are back again

hello! Like the title of this post is saying, my thoughts of wanting to disappear or attempt to disappear are back again and it’s been like this since last week. I have no concrete plans of committing (as of now), it’s just really breaking my heart na I’m back to this stage na I want to just be… gone.

For context, I’m diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress and suspected combined adhd. I’m on medications for my depression and I actually got my dosage upped starting today because my anxiety is still super malala which alarmed my psychiatrist.

It’s just frustrating that even with meds (for 6 months already), the thoughts are back again. I just finished crying bcos I feel helpless and idk my chest just really hurts from the pain.

I just also received a message from my dad tonight scolding me for something na he’s just guilty of being unable to do for my mom bcos he was out drinking again and since he’s probably drunk right now, his choice of words are not the best and I’m his chosen emotional punching bag in the family since I was young. I guess that really triggered me a lot.

(I don’t know if my dad is drunk / how drunk he is right now bcos I live alone in my condo)

My parents and siblings know about my condition but I don’t think they understand the severity of it. My mom tries to understand but can be in denial sometimes. My dad doesn’t believe in mental health but tries sometimes… I don’t even know why I’m writing this post hahah

I know I don’t want to be gone forever. But right now, disappearing for a moment seems like a really good idea.

Sorry idek the point of this post I just wanted to maybe share what’s on my mind :(