I have carried this for six months and need to say it somewhere.

Just when I needed you most, you ghosted

So last September / October, I(30F) met this guy(37M) on here. He commented on a Pic of me holding my cat and said, "Nice watch". I was curious about him so I think I ended up DM'ing him. The conversation just flowed so easily. And within 24 hours he had me added on discord. Not even the next day, we had our first video chat. The conversation continued to flow so easily and these conversations kept going throughout the next month. I think somewhere along that month I asked for a relationship which I knew would be hard since it would be long distance. He did say no at the time but we kept a friendship and I continued to talk to other guys. It was steady conversations with the occasional video chats through that entire time. It was no secret that there were some feelings involved. He also confessed he was poly and he liked for his girl to be with other men too. Ok sure but we weren't together at that time.

I think his first disappearance was in Jan. He straight up went ghost on me for like a week. He still had me added on discord but he wasn't responding to any of my messages. Eventually he came back and things continued.

During this time we discussed meeting up in person and having a threesome with me and another dude. I wasn't keen on the idea at the time but I liked him and I was a people pleaser. I kinda thought why not try it once. We found someone on a sub here and all 3 of us chatted on discord.

Then his second disappearance happened. Again this one was for a week and he came back and apologized and said he wished we could have helped each other out. He apologized to me and the other guy and the threesome was still on for March.

When he wanted to catch up after the disappearance he mentioned family problems and mental health struggles of his own. I asked if we could define what we were, I think I pushed for a label somewhat, and I vaguely remember him semi-agreeing, but I don't remember the conversation clearly enough anymore. I really wish I hadn't and I do regret that as it pressuring someone is for lack of a better word crappy behavior.

At that time I let go of the ghostings because I was pretty busy with my own life and job and barely noticed.

But the last ghosting might be permanent. It happened in mid February. I was in pain and my stomach was in knots to the point where it was an actual medical emergency. His last message to me was telling me to go seek medical treatment, Which yes I did. I was sending him messages updating him on what was happening, no response. I got through that scary time alone. I was diagnosed with acute gastritis which a month later would turn into a gallbladder removal which was scary af.

I was so scared during that first hospital visit and during my recovery and I just wanted him here supporting me but during a time when I needed support he left.

I dont know why I still think about him and want him to come back. Its been 6 months its pretty obvious that he isn't coming back. I know we are wrong for each other. It just sucks that during that time I did develop love for him and have those feelings for him and I dont know it still hurts that I dont know what happened.

He still has me added on discord as a friend and I have tried reaching out to him but nothing. I just hope he's alive. I also just wish I could let this go already.