How I feel after my abortion injection 5weeks at 21

On Wednesday, July 29, I found out that I was pregnant. I had gone to the hospital for something completely unrelated, and the ER doctor was the one who told me. I had a copper IUD, so pregnancy was the last thing I expected. I was around 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.

Because I was having pain and the pregnancy was so early, they were concerned that it could be ectopic. I was sent to another hospital that same day for ultrasounds and further testing. The urine test and hCG were positive, but they couldn’t see a pregnancy on the ultrasound because it was so early. I went home that night still not knowing what was happening.

The next evening, Thursday, July 30, around 9 PM, I had really bad stabbing pain and went back to the hospital. Everyone was still worried that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. I spent the night admitted to the hospital and in pain, and I had more tests and ultrasounds the next morning.

Then, around 4 PM on Friday, July 31, I was told that the pregnancy was in the right place and appeared to be a normal pregnancy.

That completely changed how I felt.

Until that moment, I had been under the impression that the pregnancy probably wasn’t viable. I had mentally started preparing myself for that possibility. Then suddenly I was told that it was a normal pregnancy, and I had to make a decision about whether to continue it in about 30 minutes.

I decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I feel so conflicted about that decision. At the time, I knew why I made it. I’m still in school and about to start my final year of my BA. I want to complete a master’s program. My boyfriend of five years wants to go to medical school and eventually become a surgeon. We don’t have the financial stability or support system that I would want to have before bringing a child into the world. I know a baby would have completely changed both of our lives, and I don’t think I could have given my child the life I wanted them to have right now.

Logically, I understand all of that. I still think there were very real reasons why I made the decision I did.

But emotionally, I feel devastated.

I don’t want to hear that it was “just cells” or that it wasn’t technically a baby yet. I understand the science, but that’s not how I experienced it emotionally. In my heart, it was my baby. I had a baby, and I chose to end that pregnancy. I feel like I killed my baby.

That thought has been incredibly painful for me.

Every time I cramp or bleed, I’m reminded of what happened, and I feel horrible. I feel guilty and ashamed. Sometimes I wonder if I made a terrible mistake and whether I should have tried harder to think about how I would feel afterward before making the decision.

What makes it harder is that I didn’t even have much time to process any of this. I went from not knowing I was pregnant, to being told I might have an ectopic pregnancy, to being told the pregnancy was normal, and then having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life in roughly 30 minutes.

I didn’t have time to really understand what I was feeling before I had to decide.

I also don’t think I necessarily wanted to be pregnant. I had an IUD because I didn’t want to become pregnant. I had plans for my life and I still have those plans. I still want to finish school, pursue a master’s degree, and build a stable life. I still love my boyfriend and want to see where our future goes. None of that has changed.

But somehow, knowing that I didn’t want or plan a pregnancy doesn’t make losing it hurt any less.

I feel like I can understand logically why I made the decision and still deeply regret it emotionally. I can believe that it was the best decision for my circumstances and still mourn my baby. I don’t know how those things are supposed to coexist.

I think what I’m struggling with most is the guilt. I don’t know whether feeling this devastated is normal. I don’t know whether I’m grieving in a way that other people experience after an abortion, or whether something is wrong with me because I feel this attached and heartbroken.

Part of me is scared that I’ll never be able to forgive myself or come to terms with what happened.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for a decision I made in an incredibly confusing and overwhelming situation. But I also don’t want anyone to tell me that I shouldn’t be grieving or that I shouldn’t think of the pregnancy as my baby. That’s how I feel, and I need to be able to talk about that honestly.

I think I need help understanding how I can hold both things at once: that I made the decision for reasons that still make sense to me, and that I am deeply grieving the baby I feel like I lost.

I don’t know yet what I believe about whether the decision was right or wrong. I just know that I’m hurting a lot, and I need help learning how to live with what happened without hating myself for it.