Can a marriage survive repeated betrayals?

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted before in marriage advice but curious to see what folks in this sub think.

I (36F) have been married to my husband (38M) for less than a year, together for nearly 4 years. We have a long history of betrayals. Before we got married I had a gut feeling about something hidden but never actually knew what was going on. He would always tell me she was a friend and it was platonic. It ended up being an ex from a long time ago that he kept in touch with but it was consistently hidden from me, like secretive with the phone or late night texts/calls. Eventually I called it out and he agreed to stop because it bothered me but I didn’t get the sense that he believed it was wrong. This happened again and I made it clear that he had to either end this relationship with her or I couldn’t stay with him. He apologized and seemed genuinely remorseful. Then before we got married it happened again and this time I saw some of the messages which made it obvious that it was an emotional affair they both were participating in. Tough to read. We had many difficult conversations together and with family about it. He agreed to stop the behavior completely and that we would work on building trust and he will figure out why he does this. Fast forward to several months after the wedding and I got the gut feeling again and checked his phone. I figured out that while he isn’t talking to that woman anymore he’s been talking to maybe 3 ex’s in total the majority of the relationship/marriage. He even met with one in person a few times before the wedding but swears nothing physical happened. They relationships seem superficial and for attention.

I know I was wrong not to hold the boundary before. I thought it was one specific relationship and person that he was struggling with and that we could work through it. Now I’m seeing the bigger picture and it’s alarming. He is now going to therapy and I do hear a difference in the way he is actually taking accountability and understanding the harm he did. However I don’t know if I can trust him again after all of this.

I can convince myself to leave and in the same hour convince myself to stay and it’s endless in my mind. I love him so much and pictured my whole future with him which makes letting go so hard. I see the best of him and want that to be reality for us. I want to hold out and see if he will change but also I know he’s capable of hurting me so badly and it doesn’t seem fair to me.

Has anyone had a similar situation and can give me insight here? How do you know whether someone in this position can actually change?

And to be clear I do take ownership of my side of the problem, especially lack of boundaries since he “called my bluff” every time before.