Idealized relationships, being "in love", and crushes

Long post incoming.

This is something I have had a mental battle with all of my life. I've had crushes. I've felt what I thought was "supposed" to be romantic feelings based on media. But then there has always been in the back of my mind something missing or wrong. I would make lists in my head as to why I loved a partner. But I've struggled with what "in love" truly means.

I've never really dated. Whenever I've tried, it's been extremely uncomfortable. The expectation feels inauthentic and foreign. Why am I pursuing a romantic connection with a stranger? The times I've had romantic partners, we have always been friends first.

The idea of having a beautiful romance with someone is absolutely lovely and something I WANT to have. But I've always thought of any romantic partner I've had in this idealized way. If they ever did something I saw in a movie or a story, I would be like, "yes, this is what being in love is!" It's like I would give myself proof. I would get crushes based on the aesthetic look of someone, but then I would get almost a delusional picture in my head of how a relationship with them would be. It's so hard to explain.

But then, I would think about how I get those feelings when I'm just friends with someone. Completely platonic love. Hell, the only people I've felt comfortable having sex with have been friends. That's an entirely different area I won't get into right now.

At this point, I'm in my mid 30s. I want to have a romantic partner. But I don't know what truly being in love means or if I'll ever feel it. I don't want to seek out romantic relationships because that feels extremely unnatural. But I also know a romantic relationship won't just fall in my lap. I don't know. It would be cool if a friends to lovers thing happened at some point. But I don't want to force anything just because I'm getting older.

TL;DR:

I've had crushes and relationships, but they've been projections of "idealized" versions of people.