Took me lot of courage to write it in words, don’t know what to do. Sorry if it gross anyone out. Btw wdyt?

I’m actually quite confused about something, and I think this is the first time I’ve really felt the need to say it out loud to someone.

I’m a pretty muscular guy, into sports and fitness, and I’ve had two relationships with girls in the past. I’ve been single for around two years now. A couple of months ago, I was watching a series that had a gay couple in it, and for some reason I suddenly had this thought: What if I were with a guy? Maybe I was high, maybe I was just overthinking I honestly don’t know. But then one thought led to another, and I realised that if the relationship was genuine and honest, I don’t think I’d mind being with a guy. And then I just brushed it off and continued watching.

But since then, I’ve started noticing things about myself. I wondered whether I actually find guys attractive, and, surprisingly, I think I might. There are certain things about guys that I find attractive little things like wrists, fingers, the stomach or navel. And I’ve realised I’m attracted to a very specific kind of guy: well-dressed, good fragrance, educated, well-mannered, confident but not loud or overly cocky, and slightly muscular not extremely muscular, just fit.

And now I’ve started wondering whether this was always somewhere in me. Even back in ninth grade, when friends would talk about porn and complain whenever a man came into the frame, I never really felt that same “ick.” I didn’t think much about it back then, but looking back, it makes me wonder.

I don’t know whether I’m gay, bisexual, or something else. I’m not even sure I need to put a label on it right now. I think I’m just exploring something about myself that I’ve never really allowed myself to think about before.

And honestly, that’s the scary part. I don’t feel comfortable saying this to anyone because most of my friends are pretty homophobic actually, almost all of them. Even the thought of approaching a guy, or someone approaching me, makes me panic a little. I don’t necessarily want to approach anyone right now. I think I’m just trying to understand myself first, without freaking myself out about what it might mean.

This was all because of that fucking one puff of ganja