TW: Coercion, stalking, rape

>!Dinner is mudcake and ice cream!<

>!I've been doing some trauma processing and I really need to talk about this. I was in my first relationship with a 27 year old guy when I was 20. He groomed me, isolated and coerced me (demanded I move out of my relative's house, and said that we couldn't have sex until I did so), to have sex with him. And I'm processing that. !<

>!I'm trying to remember the grooming process, but mostly I just remember him sending me a lot of porn and telling me how because he was in the army, he could find me no matter where I went and that I couldn't escape from him (not in so many words, but that's the gist).!<

>!I was a late bloomer, kind of socially behind, never had relationships in school and this was my first relationship so I didn't know what to expect. The first time we had sex, he anally raped me. When I told him later that I was upset about that, he told me I definitely wanted it (not true, I said no multiple times until the pain was so bad I couldn't speak). And that kind of set the tone for the relationship.!<

>!He would turn up, I would perform oral, have vaginal and anal sex (no prep, never any lube despite pleading for it) and that was just how things went. He would speak to me on the phone a few days after encounters mostly just to layer on psychological abuse and gaslighting.!<

>!He stopped telling me when he was going to show up because I started dodging him and making myself unavailable because it didn't matter how many times I told him to go away, that I didn't want to see him, he'd say "You'll change your mind." And he would turn up at random and  I would let him in. It never occurred to me not to. He would turn up and I would survive it.!<

>!He'd spent months teaching me that my no would be ignored. If I said no during sex, he'd ignore me or growl at me to make me comply. 85% of the time growling would work, but the rest of the time? He'd use force. He'd hold me in place by my hair, or thrust harder during anal so it hurt more. I'd just dissociate as much as I could. I couldn't withdraw consent. He didn't care.!<

>!Unfortunately, that's carried over into other relationships. Now I feel like if I agree to have sex that I'm not allowed to say no. If my partner doesn't orgasm, I'll have a panic attack because if they don't come I've "failed at my job". So I just don't really have relationships. It's been nearly 25 years since this happened and sometimes it still feels like it's happening.!<

>!I hate it.!<

I was never allowed to refuse