After 40 Years of Abuse, my uBPD wife is divorcing me

I feel odd posting here, because I’m near 80, and you are “just kids.” Many of you are dating, some considering marriage, and others married two to twenty years. I’m odd because I’ve been married to my uBPD wife for 40 years. Her BPD behavior began in 1982 when she leaped up on the railing of a highway overpass and threatened to jump and kill herself. That should have been a clue.

It wasn’t.

She was a beautiful woman and I thought we were soulmates. During the 40 years, I’ve experienced almost every symptom you’ve described, without limit. No one has ever attacked me more ferociously or constantly, requiring 40 years of therapy.

Three years ago she had a day of psychotic rage in which she screamed suicide threats, threw and broke dishes and kitchenware, set fire to a box of our vacation photos, shattered a glass or red wine in my office, threatened to kill me and almost did. She lifted a 5-pound weight toward the ceiling and threw it down at my head. If I hadn’t looked up and grabbed it, I might not be here writing this.

I was six seconds from calling 911, and should have. That was a breaking point for me. I began telling my family friends the truth about what was happening at home, and much to my surprise, received universal love and support. Since then, I’ve compiled 400 pages of journal notes, medical, police and court records, and correspondence. Because of my confidential conversations, I’ve joked that this will be the first book written on WhatsApp.

In March, my uBPD wife got violent with me (again) and was arrested for domestic violence and taken out of the house. She’s now living in a retirement center.

In June the family went to court and established an “emergency guardianship” for her using a professional firm, not a family member. The uBPD has split from all friends and family members except one.

On July 1 she served me with divorce papers. The divorce is just a final example of her rageful acting out. She claims that I verbally and physically abused her over the course of our marriage, which couldn’t be more false. The reverse is true.

The hearing for her permanent guardianship is in November. She is hotly contesting it with an attorney, but we (the family and friends) will likely prevail.

Because of the laws in our state, even with permanent guardianship divorce will be granted, and I will need to retain a conservator to oversee her assets.

This means I’m paying for five attorneys: for guardianship, against guardianship, for divorce, against divorce, and a guardian ad litem (GAL), a neutral court appointed attorney to investigate her claims of my sexual, psychological, emotional, and financial abuse. Plus, I’m paying the guardianship firm and the Ph.D. neuropsychologist to conduct cognitive assessments, and later a conservator.

As some of you have said in this forum, that’s a “shit ton of money,” none of it necessary and all of it destructive. She is the “best in the world” at starting fights, and this is just one more pointless fight.

It won’t end well. Without realizing it, she’s bringing down our financial house of cards, crashing our net worth. She’s destroying our financial security for the thrill of the conflict.   

What has saved me, and is saving me? First, my deep friendships going back 40-50 years in some cases. Family and friends literally talked me off the ledge and saved my life. Several in my circle know all the grimmest details, and that’s important. My career is as a consultant, a person with all the answers. You have the problem, I have the answers. I thought opening my heart to others was going to demean me. It didn’t. Just the opposite. My friends and family love me more, not less.

Second, I have a master’s degree in philosophy, literally in Greek “philos sophos,” love of wisdom. I read inspirational writing from all times and places, sometimes going back 2,500 years to the Tao te Ching. The great teachers have been here before us, and they light our way. My bookshelves are so plastered with sayings you can barely see the books.

I’m sorry, I expected to write a short post and failed. My BPD-drama may continue for several more years. Yet I’m less lonely now that you are riding along.

“Suffering can masterfully teach.” ~ Aeschylus, “Agamemnon” (525-426 B.C.)

"Thou hast possibility in thee for much: the possibility of writing on the eternal skies the record of a heroic life." ~ Thomas Carlyle, Past and Present (1843), Book III, Chapter VIII ("The Ancient Monk" section, sometimes cited as "Aristocracy of Talent")