I love god but I don’t know how to live

I’m tired, been tired of life - diagnosed with adhd last year and began taking elvanse 60mg, it helped tremendously (taking as prescribed, I was never into drugs like that) I only did downers like lean, dhc, hydrocodone, and oxy 40s. I could finally sleep, they said my appetite would get worse but in fact it got better, my overall quality of life got significantly better. Before my diagnosis I managed to sober up for my family (before I believed in god again), I used to be a opioid/opiate addict, I feel like I’m being attacked again and negative thoughts are flooding my brain again, telling me I need to kill myself and get high or hop on a motorbike and crash into a wall on purpose. Only reason I still don’t ride, I feel like there’s genuinely a demon or something tormenting me and has since I was a child. I’ve always experienced sleep paralysis since the age of 7 or 8 maybe, it got to a point I had it everyday for years, I feel like I’m losing myself again and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going . For the first time in my life I can truly say I love god, I love my lord Jesus Christ but I can’t keep going, I’m 23 and felt out of place ever since I can remember being alive, I remember the days I wouldn’t speak for some reason maybe I couldn’t but I’d think and imagine the universe a lot but I never learnt about it, I knew nothing about space till coming to primary school in England. I remember trying to imagine what it feels like to die, your soul leave your body and I wasn’t even in double digits yet when it comes to age, It was just after my great grandfather died at around the age 3 or so. I’ve always been weird and stuck in my head thinking, my head is what will probably get me killed and separated from the only being that gives me joy in life, I wish I was never born i don’t know why he put me here - all I’ve ever experienced is pain, emotional and physical, only true feelings of joy I felt was because of god, I hope to god if I die or before I die there’s something I could do to prevent more people suffering like me and much more. Please if you’re struggling don’t take this as a sign things won’t get better. Because I guarantee you they will, they did for me, you just need to be strong enough to push past it and keep on living for everyone that loves you and Christ - My family has had a generational curse, bad health, no wealth, loss and loneliness. Same way I’ve been tormented my whole life, my dad has been as well, I pray and pray, I see signs and he answers but for some reason I always end up going back to this, square one right back at the start. I said I’m gonna kill myself when I turn 27, I gave life a chance for my family and I was certain things were gonna be fine, but this might be my trial right a test of faith, what I always preach to others but well, im tired, I have been a long time, I’ll keep it going for other people struggling like me and reading this but if I don’t make it one day, stop posting, I’m finally at peace with myself and the world. May the lord and god have mercy on your souls, if I could do what Jesus did and died for all of you, I’d spend eternity suffering just so nobody else has to go through this, through more and less, I wish I could take on all the pain because then itd be worth it living this miserable life of mine, don’t give up for the lord will welcome you into his kingdom when your time here is over naturally. The biggest sin man kind can commit other than blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, is the murder of yourself, committing suicide is an unforgivable sin.