[F42] [M41] 12-year relationship and repeated online sexual behaviour: looking for advice on rebuilding trust

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My partner (M41) and I (F42) have been together for nearly 12 years. We aren't married or engaged. The first couple of years were more of a situationship as I'd recently come out of a marriage with three children.

We eventually moved in together and built a family. We're genuinely best friends, get on incredibly well and have a great relationship. He's an amazing dad and stepdad and is loving and supportive. Our main problem has always been his online sexual behaviour.

About 3/4 months after moving in together, he told me he'd been using online sex chat rooms, sharing pictures, sexting and sometimes having video calls with other people (F/TV/CD). He says he has an exhibitionist kink and struggles with impulse control.

This completely blindsided me because we've always had a very active sex life. We've experimented together, sent pictures and had a lot of sexual fun, so I struggled to understand why he needed other people.

I started checking his phone, which I know isn't healthy, but almost every time I did I found something new. This has happened repeatedly throughout our relationship.

We've tried setting boundaries around his kink so he can explore it without damaging our relationship. Last year, while I was pregnant and suffering badly with HG, we created an adult platform profile together. He could use it within agreed boundaries, including not deleting messages or exchanging personal contact details.

He broke those boundaries and I discovered it at seven months pregnant. I told him I couldn't continue like this and he went to therapy.

I genuinely thought things were improving, but earlier this year he started commenting on NSFW Reddit posts. A few weeks ago I found that he'd commented on an NSFW post asking the person to DM him.

I'm now 9 months postpartum and we still have a good sex life, around 3/4 times a week, so this isn't about a lack of intimacy.

What hurts me is the repeated cycle of agreeing boundaries, breaking them, hiding things and then promising to change.

I believe he loves me and genuinely means it when he says he wants to change. He's wonderful in almost every other part of our life together. That's what makes this so difficult.

I'm looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar.

What behaviours have shown you that someone was genuinely changing rather than simply feeling guilty after being caught?

What boundaries have worked when one partner has an exhibitionist or online sexual kink?

What kind of accountability is reasonable when someone says they struggle with impulse control?

For those who stayed and rebuilt trust, what did that process actually look like?

What helped you recognise genuine progress rather than another repetition of the same cycle?

I love this man enormously and don't want to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship. But I also don't want to spend the rest of it checking phones and waiting for the next discovery.

TL;DR: I'm F42 and my partner is M41. We've been together nearly 12 years and have an otherwise amazing relationship. He has repeatedly engaged in sexual behaviour online despite agreed boundaries and has attended therapy, but has recently started asking people to DM him on NSFW Reddit posts. I'm looking for advice and experiences around genuine behavioural change, boundaries, accountability and rebuilding trust after repeated breaches.