everyone loves me. my life is perfect. it’s still not enough

hi everyone, my name is allie. im 23. and i have had the perfect life since pretty much the minute i was born.

my parents are pretty well off, so i had a very luxurious and happy upbringing. they are also very emotionally intelligent people, and always validated my emotions and showed me support.

when i started high school, it became evident that i was a pretty girl. i know beauty is not the most important thing in life, but i can promise you when you are 15 years old, yes it is. this made me very popular and likeable all through high school, to the point that i have never been rejected and was chosen prom queen.

when i started college, everything went just as smoothly. i went to an ivy league school and graduated with top marks, while still managing an amazing social life.

now i work an amazing job in a beautiful city that i love. surrounded by friends and my amazing boyfriend.

all throughout my life, i’ve had it all. and all throughout my life, i’ve thought of ending it.

when i was a small child my parents took me to the psychiatrist because i self harmed as a way to self-punish when i did something wrong. i was too young to understand what i was doing at the time but id hit myself, throw my self against things and scratch my face.

then, in middle school, i started having more intrusive thoughts about ending my life. i daydreamed about it all the time, it felt comforting.

in high school, a great part of my junior year was spent being blacked out drunk. no one really batted an eye, it was only normal that the popular kids would get wasted every weekend. i remember looking up what over the counter pills would make me overdose when mixed with alcohol. i tried a couple of times, nothing other than throwing up happened.

college was a lot easier when it came to self harm. way less vigilance. i went back to my old ways, almost receding to my childhood self. i would go into the woods near campus and push my self against trees and rocks. and then id tell everyone i had fallen during my hike.

i dont understand why i am like this. i don’t understand why i want to die so much. the guilt is overwhelming bc i have it all. i have everything anyone could ever ask for. and i still dont think its enough