Venting and dreading going back to college

I (22F) am actually a 3rd year irregular student. And as the new semester has started, I have been absent on the first two days due to the fact that I am looking after an important family member who has been in the hospital for two weeks.

Anyways, now that I am out of the hospital since someone else can finally look after my family member, it bothers me that I have to attend college tomorrow. Of course, I have to because there's classes despite the fact that the first week is usually a grace period of some sort because there are barely any teachers, tba rooms and so on and so forth.

The thing is that I just do not like having to be amongst my blockmates. It is quite obvious that I would clearly be out of some friend groups because of last year.

Context: Last year, I have joined plenty of orgs and the student council because I want to distract myself from my parents' marriage issues. Then, I have resigned from all of them due to the fact that I have enough of the drama as well as the plastic behavior of people and I hate how it adds up to my unstable mental state. Especially those who can't take an honest review of certain tasks. During March 2026, I got into a car accident and when I needed my only close friend in my block, she just betrayed me and got mad at my younger sibling for trying to compromise in getting my activity paper since I can't walk that time and my family got in debt. I was depressed. And yeah, she became part of the others who are the kind to talk behind my back and all that.

To be honest, I dreaded the feeling of getting back because it feels so familiar being alone and independent. I am used to working alone since I am the eldest but fuck, it feels weird and just a bit hurtful having to face people who gives me the reason to be distrustful.

And the funny thing is that, the friends I have are just in the lower years or those who graduated. And I cannot rely on anyone else in my batch. I am already sensitive enough and am trying to be practical to get back on my feet after all this time. I have been doing well so far like getting into hobbies and actually going to the workplace to get experience from a trusted backer even if I don't have ojt yet. I am instead focusing on building alone to be ahead of everyone because I do not like to linger around people like them.

I know for sure that once I graduated, I will be out of mainstream social media like Facebook and Insta. I only got on these apps because of college announcements and having to contact any decent blockmates— though, they don't really interact with me most of the time.

Not gonna lie, I have made friends at work than at college. And I have poured myself in just sending my resume to random companies or part time jobs just to get away from anyone in college.

I just hope this feeling of dread goes away.

And well, I sometimes wish I have a friend to form a real genuine connection with but I doubt I'd be able to easily do that after all my upsetting experiences in the past months and year.