It’s been two years. Why am I still struggling to move on?

It’s been two years since my last relationship ended, and sometimes I still wonder why it hurts this much. I gave him everything, and was so ready to settle down. For the first time I think of settling down.

He cheated on me. He eventually had children with other women. He even told them (as one woman relayed) that he couldn’t love me despite my kindness and loyalty because I wasn’t pretty enough. I know logically that none of that is something I should be holding onto. I know I deserve better. I know leaving was probably one of the best things that happened to me.

What hurts me the most isn’t necessarily that I want him back. I don’t think I do.

It’s the comparison.

I look at the women he chose, his words linger, and sometimes I catch myself thinking, What did they have that I didn’t? Why them? Why wasn't I enough? I look for fault in them to make myself better.

And the hardest part is seeing that they seem to be living their lives just fine while I’m here trying to rebuild mine. Some of them didn’t finish college, some of them made choices I personally wouldn’t make, yet somehow they seemed happy, loved, and settled.

Meanwhile, I have a degree. I’m working. I’m pursuing my master’s. I’m trying so hard to build a better future for myself.

And yet, there are days when I still feel like I’m the one who lost.

Maybe I'm struggling to move on from the version of myself who believed that being chosen by him would prove that I was beautiful, worthy, and enough

And maybe that's why two years later, I’m still healing.

I don't want him back. I just want to stop wondering why I wasn't enough for someone who wasn't capable of loving me properly.

I want to be genuinely happy with the life I'm building even if it takes longer than I expected.

Has anyone else experienced this? Not wanting the person back, but still struggling with the rejection, comparison, and feeling of being left behind?