admiring my cousin

i am so confused in myself.....please don't judge on what u are going to read. it's just i am overwhelmed with my emotions and wanted to let this off my chest so it's the only option for me otherwise I'll be overthinking. please be wise with your response.

We grew up together as he was a year younger then me but we whenever we met we enjoyed each other's company. Whenever I used to leave any function he used to cry as a child. We used to play games together. It was all fun. Like this year's past we grew in up.

In between high school I went to a family function where I met my cousin and from past few months I am just growing more and more feelings for him because he treats me exactly how I crave for but I don't know what's from his side.

In high school me and my parents went to a family function there was my cousin too but we did not talk much....he used to be very cheerful with me. Like he used to find ways to talk to me come to sleep with me ( not in a sexual way) in the beginning but as he is growing he is becoming more quiet so we barely talked in . Later met on other events and lost contact for 2 months. Than on vacations I went to close relatives house and he too was on vacations so I indirectly made a call by my mother to ask him to come and the very next day he came....i asked him why'd you come here...he replied " Because I was told that you called". I was so happy but at that time I was in relationship so I had to maintain my distance and be loyal we used to watch movie where suddenly we grabbed hands suddenly he was not leaving neither me but i did let go of his hand after 2 seconds. Than there were some moments while we slept together ( we maintained distance and were not sexual just used to chit chat). One day he was scaring me by telling me horror stories and was scared so to divert my mood he played a yt video and I fell asleep on his shoulder and when I woke up in the morning he was sleeping in the same position and my head was on his shoulder ( he usually used to change sides during sleeping )...and that made me feel so good. Whenever I told him someone bullied me got angry and said " if I was there he wouldn't have been survived". He was having a headache so I calm.him down and he rested his head on my lap and I was patting on his head... at the same night I was having a headache and he asked me that he will massage my head but i denied.

Later he was going home and said something that upset me but i didn't say at that moment but i couldn't hold so I called him and told him it hurt me, i hanged the phone. He used to call me constantly after for convincing me and his voice was so calm that he was about to cry i felt so emotionally connected to him. Later we met again after few months but we had a fight and yeah it got right too.

He grew and went on to next class whenever he mentioned he liked some girl I hated it but idk if he really was in relationship because later on he said "I am joking". We had different schools and different places. Things between me and my bf were not right he was rude and aggressive so my love grew towards my cousin bcoz he treated me exactly how i wanted to be treated right .Whenever I mentioned a boy he in turn mentioned some girl.

Next time we again met and he asked me where we can chat we chat a bit and sometimes I say I want someone who'd convince me well love me right and he says " like i convinced u when u got upset". I am not sure about his feelings he mentioned he liked some girl but idk if it's true like he have mentioned 2-3 girls but never told anything about them and later said I was kidding. I want your perspectives on if he really likes me or not. I am not a bad person I just want to be loved. You can ask me details about how he talks and what he says then u can tell if he liked me or not.

Don't get me wrong I didn't cheat on my bf i simply left him bcoz he was not right.....not taking about him whenever I told my cousin about how my bf is treating me he used to get angry he used to tighten his fists and listen to me peacefully. He remembers details. I don't what he feels about me . Please tell what he feels there are a lot of things i am not able to conclude here but I'll reply in comments...please ignore any mistake in my confession bcoz I am typing very fastly and couldn't hold my myself.