since starting my seeking of God I haven't gained ANYTHING BUT suicidal thoughts and negative emotions bruh

like literally in every way in Christianity I fall short, hes never shown himself, he's quiet, he doesn't understand the struggles I have and the maybe like confusion with myself and I can't help but have anger and hatred toward him, I cuss him out and insult him, I literally cannot become Christian bro like 😭but ik I said I have suicidal thoughts like sometimes I feel like a attraction to it but I'm scared also to do it if I even did which I prolly won't but it makes me mad suicide isn't an option sometimes too maybe