I am not a good person.

My name is Travis, and I'm not a good person, and I never have been.

I don't know how not to be a selfish self-absorbed asshole. I don't know how not to be exhausting to everyone around me, including myself. I don't even want to be here, and I don't understand why people keep telling me that they need me. Why can't they just let me run away? Why can't they just let me pack a bag and disappear from everyone and everything like I've always wanted? Why keep me here? I don't listen to anyone, I don't take anyone's advice, people try to help and I try to do all of these things but I end up failing anyway.

I don't respond to text messages and write back. You tell me that I'm loved and wanted, and it sounds like an insult. You tell me that I'm safe and protected, and it reminds me that I've failed to keep anyone else safe, I've never protected or helped anyone. I've never gone out of my way for another person, I've never offered to help a stranger just because they seemed like they needed it. I've never offered sympathy or empathy. I don't listen to other people, unless I can find a way that their conversation connects to me. I can't love you unless you can provide something to me; this probably isn't even love, it's just me saying it as a lie.

I am a sexual deviant. I was sexually abused, I was used, exploited and ruined. The experience caused permanent nerve damage and I can't feel anything, it's entirely pointless for me to engage in any sexual activity. Yet I still forced myself onto people. I didn't have my first relationship until I was in my 30s, I coerced her into performing oral on me during the year we were together. I still engage in activity with my wife, she goes down on me sometimes, I know she doesn't like it but the idea and fantasy are the only thing that provide me any sexual feedback. So instead of doing the right thing and telling her she doesn't need to do it anymore or ever again, I let it happen. Very quickly I begin to feel guilty, and I tell her that I'm about to finish even though I'm not close, and I'll spend the next 10-20 minutes trying to masturbate to try and achieve some sort of orgasm. I know she doesn't find me sexually appealing or physically attractive. I know that she is disgusted with me most of the time.

I wish I had the strength to tell her that she can be free of me, that she can find someone else who will love her properly. Someone that will treat our children better; be more sympathetic and understanding with them, more patient, loving. Someone that can buy them all the things they ask for. Someone that can provide them with a home and stability. I can't do any of those things, I think maybe I gave the impression I could, but I just can't.

Right now I'm considering that I will pretend to go to work, and just disappear. I don't have any money right now, and won't have any real amount coming anytime at all. I don't know where my driver's license is. I stole a prescription bottle of Xanax. I think I'm just going to walk, and keep walking until im too exhausted, and do the same thing tomorrow. I can finally be invisible, I can stop forcing my piece of shit self onto other people.