I really liked her, but we ended up breaking up. It hurts so much

I (31M, neurotypical) met my girlfriend (29F, n dx) earlier this year. Things were amazing at first.

She was exactly my type physically, and we shared the same faith. I liked her so much that I started thinking about marriage almost immediately. I even found myself imagining the kind of home we might live in together someday.

But at some point, I started noticing that she was a little different.

I didn’t think much of her being late all the time, but I gradually began noticing issues with her attention. When she focused on something, she would become so intensely absorbed in it that she would push herself to the point of exhaustion. During those periods, it was also really difficult for her to stay in touch with me.

Eventually, I realized that it didn’t seem to be a matter of her simply caring about me less. It genuinely felt like she had difficulty regulating where her attention went.

At the same time, when we were actually together, she could be extremely sensitive to my facial expressions or even a single word I used. Sometimes I would say something without any negative intention at all, and she would immediately ask, “What did you mean by that?”

Over time, I started feeling tense before I spoke because I was worried that something I said might be interpreted negatively. That made communication between us even more difficult. Also I found it a little frustrating that, when we talked over chat, our conversations somehow never seemed to get very deep. Just talk about what she ate, what she saw.. something like that

That was when I started reading about ADHD, and so many things seemed to line up: Time blindness & Difficulty regulating attention & Cognitive distortions & Rejection sensitivity and so on.

Looking back, I remember hearing her talk about her father, and I noticed that some of the traits she described in him were similar to the ones I saw in her

I tried to hang in there and make the relationship work, but day after day, I was becoming completely exhausted... Eventually, I told her I wanted to break up.

Part of me really wanted to go with her to an ADHD specialist, help her get evaluated, and support her if she decided to try medication or treatment. But by that point, I realized I simply didn’t have that kind of energy left in me.

When we broke up, I calmly explained what I had learned about ADHD and why I thought it might be worth looking into. She told me she would seriously think about it.

I’m just incredibly sad.

It feels like I met someone who matched me in so many important ways, and I genuinely pictured a future with her. That’s what makes it so painful to accept that, despite how much I cared about her, the relationship had become too difficult for me to continue.

I really hope she finds answers that help her, whether it turns out to be ADHD or something else. And I hope someday I can make peace with the fact that loving someone and wanting things to work isn’t always enough to make a relationship sustainable.