I don't know how to feel and I'm not sure I want to. Not sure is it Fe PoLR or not

Hi. Probably a weird stream of thoughts, but I started doubting where I'm even looking when trying to find my type. Feels like I might be exaggerating certain traits or what I can actually find in myself, which isn't easy anyway. So now I'm starting to suspect my Fe might be in a different position, not PoLR. Though Fi questions are up in the air too now.

I find my own emotional expressions ugly, sometimes inappropriate. I feel like I'm acting dumb, being too loud, looking like an idiot when I get angry, raise my voice, or when I open up while feeling low and let tears roll down my cheeks. I want to hide so no one sees me like that. The vulnerability is crushing, those moments are only for when I'm alone. Sometimes it feels like I'm performing rather than actually feeling, stealing jokes and mannerisms from others. I'll laugh or smile at the wrong time, no one reacts how I expected when I allowed myself to show it. It feels bad, uncomfortable, just forget me, nothing happened.

When someone gives me a birthday gift, I feel weird. My reaction doesn't match what the person expects. I don't wanna jump for joy, just a simple thank you. Will they get upset? I need to show more, but it's hard and uncomfortable. A friend asks me to film my reaction to unboxing something she sent me. She's waiting for a reaction, but what can I give her? Feels like I need to deliver more than I'm capable of. It looks forced. I'm never sure how to react correctly, what to do. Am I overdoing it? I stay polite because it's safer and less scary.

And when someone's crying on my shoulder, begging for support what am I supposed to do? I just sit there like an idiot, hugging them, while I want to retreat into hermit mode in the forest away from that internal feeling, that wetness? Idk how else to explain it. It's like I'm covered in some kind of slime, something tightens in my body, hot and cold at the same time in my chest. I want to leave. Rip it out of myself.

Sometimes other people and their laughter, tears, screams irritate me so much. My dad is really loud, unhinged. Constantly cursing in the car, can't go five to ten minutes without yelling at another driver for doing something wrong. I want to cover my ears and just not hear it. The expressive jokes I overhear from classmates in the hallways annoy me, anger me like they're pulling me out of my secluded world. So yeah, I'd say I generally have a negative attitude toward others' emotions as well as my own.

But at the same time I can be expressive if I trust someone, if I'm used to them or if I'm under extreme stress. And I caught myself thinking, maybe being part of something isn't so bad? Like sitting in a movie theater, immersed in a horror film and hearing whispers from the rows behind, someone's shocked, sharing a theory about the movie. I actually like that. Or when almost our whole group crowds together to draft a message to our professor, asking to get out of class. It's like I'm with them like I belong to something. I haven't had that in a really long time. I'm always alone, and I like it. Always a lone sheep in the crowd. But this time I felt something, warmer, yet strange inside. Not sure if I want more of it or if I should just block it out with headphones and disappear.

And I get the feeling that I value Fi more than I realize. I truly believe that all people are unique, individuals, each with their own path and reasons for doing or not doing something. It's too early to judge. You need to understand why, not just what was done.