Somebody I cared about passed away and I'm a mess

Sorry for the scare i the title. Someone that used to work in the school where I went to as a child, and was also the husband of my parents' housecleaning lady, passed away today due to heart issues. They found a blocked artery (his main one) and told them they didnt have time ofr an emergency bypass right away and that he had to wait. My parents and some other people were pitching money in to get a private one done, but before anything could be done - he died today. I am broken. I loved his family and him - we all grew up together. He had seen us as children and now as adults. He was wonderful and the reason that bloody school was functioning. They overworked him and underpaid him, he was s o stressed. I cant stop crying. I wish I could have done something earlier - I keep blaming myself. Maybe if my parents' weren't financially supporting me and my stupid dreams, they could have added that money to his treatment.

Fuck the school too for contributing NOTHING. After everything he did for them.

To make it worse I also have health anxiety and cardiophobia. My dad also went through a mild angioplasty 4 months ago which shook me to my core. Ever since Im scared for my heart and suddenly dropping dead. Everything is normal, when I go to a clinic they sense nothing except that my BP is sometimes higher because Im anxiuous when they're checking. Ive been spiralling ever since I found the news, reading articles about young people with sudden heart issues with no histories. Suddenly my left shoulder is uncomfortable and my boob is heavy?? I smoke intermitently (1 cig a day only now - slowly quitting) but have never smoked much at all or for long.

Im having a horrible day, being so far away from my family, not being able to visit right now, having to make such big decisoins, stressed and bad news after bad news. I dont know how to handle this. Oh and Im on the 2nd day of my perios which is even more intense because it came late. And someone I really was attracted to just ghosted me.

I hope this doesnt get deleted, but I understand if it does. Just want some support I guess.

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