(F19) First time being recorded and now I can't stop playing it back

I’m 19 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. He was my first boyfriend and, until this happened, the only person I had ever slept with.

I’ve always been the shy, prudish girl. I have really big boobs and get plenty of attention from guys because of them, but I’ve never really done anything with that attention. If anything, it usually made me cover myself up more.

My sex life with my boyfriend was very vanilla, but I genuinely thought it was good because I knew nothing else. Lots of cuddling, kissing and foreplay, then usually a few minutes of missionary and a few minutes of doggy because he liked it. He’s pretty small and finishes quickly, but I honestly found it kind of cute.

I barely made noise, never talked dirty and almost never went on top. He sometimes said he wished I would let myself go more, but I just thought, This is how I am.

The funny thing is that we live together now, in a house with four of his best friends. My boyfriend and I have our own floor, but people are almost always around. It’s never really been an issue because when my boyfriend and I have sex, we’re both naturally pretty quiet. I don’t think any of his friends have ever heard us.

About six months ago, my boyfriend and I were at the gym when this ridiculously confident guy walked up to us and actually asked for my number while my boyfriend was standing there.

Obviously I said no, but secretly I loved how confident he was.

Later he found me on social media. Innocent messages became flirting, then we exchanged numbers, and one night I ended up sending him several lingerie pictures.

I felt horrible afterward. I’d never done anything like that with another guy, so eventually I cut contact and tried to pretend it had never happened.

Then recently a group of us went out together, both guys and girls, and my boyfriend came too. I almost never go clubbing, so I didn’t really have anything to wear and borrowed a dress from one of my friends. The problem was that our bodies are very different and my big boobs barely fit in it. They honestly looked like they were about to fall out.

I almost changed, but my friends — and even my boyfriend — told me I looked good, so I wore it.

That night I got more attention from men than I ever had before. Guys kept looking at my boobs and coming over to talk to me, and instead of feeling uncomfortable like I normally would, I secretly loved it. For once my big boobs didn’t make me feel awkward. They made me feel sexy.

My boyfriend was actually there for part of the evening, which somehow made the whole thing feel even more innocent at first. Later that night he left because he was going to a different party with some friends and planned to sleep at their place afterward.

I stayed out with the rest of our group.

And that was when I saw the gym guy.

We hadn’t properly spoken for months, but the tension came back immediately.

Later, some of us decided to go to an afterparty. My boyfriend wasn’t coming because he was already at his other party, so I went without him.

That’s where everything really started going wrong.

Then I saw the gym guy.

We hadn’t properly spoken for months, but the tension came back immediately.

After the club we ended up at an afterparty where people started playing truth or dare. Someone dared me to show everyone my boobs.

Normally I would never do something like that.

But I did.

I pulled my dress down and the whole room went quiet for a second. As vain as it sounds, their reactions were such a turn-on, especially his. He was staring at me like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, and instead of wanting to hide, I loved it.

Later we disappeared into another room and kissed. He wanted things to go further, but I finally stopped myself and went home.

My boyfriend was away for the night, but his four friends were all still at the house.

I was lying in bed still ridiculously turned on and texting the gym guy. Eventually I wrote something like, “You can come over if you want, but you seriously have to be EXTREMELY quiet. My boyfriend is away, but all his friends are still here.”

I partly meant it as a bluff because saying something like that is completely unlike me.

About fifteen minutes later he texted that he was outside.

I panicked, but still let him in.

I had put on lingerie underneath my bathrobe and pink heels. When he came upstairs and I opened the robe, he just stared at me and said, “Wow. You look so fucking good.”

Then he asked if he could take a picture of me “as a memory of tonight” and told me I was the sexiest chick he’d ever seen.

Normally I would have died of embarrassment, but he already had lingerie pictures from months earlier and I felt so flattered that I actually posed for him on the bed in my lingerie and heels.

I loved him looking at me. I loved being photographed. I loved knowing exactly what effect I was having on him.

And then I cheated on my boyfriend.

What shocked me most was how completely different I became.

Everything was much more intense than the sex I was used to, and the entire time we were painfully aware that four of my boyfriend’s closest friends were sleeping downstairs. Before he came over I had literally warned him that we had to be almost completely silent.

That turned out to be much harder than I expected.

Normally when I have sex with my boyfriend, nobody in the house ever hears anything because we’re both so quiet. This time we kept accidentally making more noise than we meant to, then freezing because we thought somebody downstairs might have heard us.

Every little sound from the house made me panic.

At the same time, having to constantly hold ourselves back somehow made the whole thing feel even more intense.

For the first time ever I wasn’t the shy girl in bed. I actually talked back when he talked dirty to me and let him call me things that normally would have made me turn bright red.

At one point he told me he couldn’t believe I’d only slept with one person because I seemed way too confident for someone with so little experience.

That compliment went straight to my head.

I’d spent years thinking I was naturally shy and sexually passive. My boyfriend had literally told me he wished I would let myself go more, and suddenly I barely recognized myself.

Eventually we fell asleep, but he couldn’t leave because getting out of the house in the middle of the night would almost definitely have woken someone.

The next morning we could hear my boyfriend’s friends downstairs in the living room, which meant he still couldn’t just casually walk out.

We were lying together in my boyfriend’s bed, whispering about how stupid the situation was and waiting for an opportunity for him to leave.

Somehow the fact that everyone was awake downstairs brought all that tension straight back, and we ended up fooling around again.

This time we had to be even quieter. We were genuinely scared somebody would hear us because people were walking around only one floor below, and we definitely weren’t as silent as we thought we were being.

What neither of us knew was that two days earlier my little niece had slept in our bedroom, so we had set up a baby monitor camera facing the bed.

We had forgotten to turn it off.

It was motion activated, and my boyfriend still had the notifications connected to his phone.

So during the night, his phone had already alerted him that there was movement in our bedroom. The camera had recorded video and audio of us that night.

Then the next morning the camera detected movement again.

Another notification appeared on his phone, with another recording starting.

Except this time he opened it while it was happening.

So while I was in his bed with another guy, thinking our biggest problem was whether his friends downstairs could hear us, my boyfriend was watching the baby monitor footage from wherever he was staying.

He drove straight home.

I had absolutely no idea until he came into the bedroom.

The other guy was still there.

We were literally both still in my boyfriend’s bed when he walked in.

Everything exploded immediately. My boyfriend was furious, I was completely panicking, and the 

other guy basically grabbed his things and got out of the house as fast as he could.

Then it was just me and my boyfriend.

And there was absolutely nothing I could say.

No excuse, no misunderstanding, no way to make it look less bad than it was. He had video and audio from the night before, then more video and audio from that morning, and finally he had come home and physically found the guy still in his own bed with me.

The argument was horrible.

I’m staying with my mom now, and I feel awful about what I did to him. He trusted me completely. 

His friends trusted me. We lived together, and while he was away for one weekend I sneaked another guy into our home and cheated on him in our bed while his best friends were sleeping downstairs.

But there’s one part I’m even more ashamed to admit.

I still have some of the recordings.

And I keep watching them.

Not because I’m proud of cheating. When I think about what my boyfriend must have felt getting those notifications, watching the footage and then driving home to find us still there, I feel sick.

What I can’t stop looking at is myself.

The girl in those videos doesn’t seem like the shy girl everyone knows. She doesn’t sound like the girl who spent four years having quiet, vanilla sex and assuming that was simply her personality.

Seeing myself in the lingerie and pink heels, hearing how different I sounded and seeing how uninhibited I became almost feels like watching somebody else.

Except I know it’s me. And now I am curious how other people react if they saw it or the  new me, would they see that I am shy or do they see the new, confident me......