I (22F) don’t know how to continue my engagement with (31M)

In advance: this is going to be a long one so please excuse me.

I posted here about another incident a while ago on this subreddit about my relationship.

But something that happened yesterday brought me right back. After the incident of my last post here, me and him had a conversation where we slowed down the pace of the relationship, as before it would honestly be draining how much we were talking and calling each day. (3-5 times, plus constant texting every ten minutes)

We had several conversations about our communications as a couple where the first, I would say, five times we talked I would compromise and say that yes I COULD be talking more and I’ll work on it. But it always was not enough and he always felt like we could be doing more.

It’s been a month into the engagement (so we’ve known each other one month, this is an arranged marriage setup, which is considered the dating period) and the last three days (not including today where I’m writing this) we as I said slowed down the pace to something I’m much more comfortable with. We still text throughout the day and try to call at least once if not twice a day, sometimes really quick calls where we check in on each other.

The second day of this we had a conversation which ended amazing, him telling me he is much more comfortable with this pace, he now understands what I need and want, he now knows how to communicate, this is going wonderfully…etc etc.

The conversation made me feel really relaxed and content, but yesterday I told him I had a swollen throat which would make it difficult for me to voice call and I would rather avoid it today, and that I also have a final on Wednesday. We STILL texted and joked and had a laugh over the texts where he acted completely normal and content.

But at the end of the day while I’m in the middle of studying at 11:30 pm he called me and told me that he isn’t comfortable, he feels like it would’ve been better if he was single, he doesn’t feel like he is in a relationship, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. MIND YOU this is the same man who keeps telling me that we should compare our relationship to other people because we are SPECIAL but then when he says “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be” it’s very hypercritical.

He said that we should probably involve my mom into this as a last ditch effort to save the relationship, I tried to argue that we did talk and that I’ve been busy and he should’ve excused me of not talking today, but he just argued that it isn’t about how much we talk it’s the fact he dosent feel like I’m ready for marriage or that I’m ready to accept someone in my life.

Now really quickly : we HAD a conversation before about how this is my first relationship, how I’m not used to having someone in my life but I still try regardless to improve my actions and communications so he wouldn’t feel like this. But after several times we had the same problem of him wanting more I ended up talking to my mom and aunt and they told me that as long as I didn’t do anything wrong and still talked and tired to be open, he can be upset and that I don’t have to keep compromising for him to be happy and I shouldn’t give up who I am.

Back to it, I told him I will talk to my mother about getting involved but that I want this relationship to work, to which he said “come on be honest” (basically that I’m not being so)

When I told my mother about what happened I legit had a mental breakdown and full on cried (not the first time in this month I had cried to my family and friend about this relationship, but the first few times weren’t completely on him, it was me trying to tell my family that I know I have some things to work on, WHICH I HAD, and that I’m trying my best at the time) my mother was shocked at what he said and told me “you are 22 you aren’t old, u aren’t ugly, u are educated and go to university, if he decides to leave it is at the end of the day an engagement not a marriage, this is where u get to know if you would work out, and if you don’t that’s fine, he can leave”

She talked to him and basically told him that yes, I’m trying, yes I want this relationship to work and that it upsets her to see me crying. He was shocked to hear I was crying and said that “this is what I wanted to hear that she wants to continue and I’m sorry, this is on me and I’d never drive her to cry again ever”. Basically he accepted the same things I said but from my mother, not from me even though I had told him the same things.

I’ve come to realize that this is a pattern where he says he will move this relationship at my pace, and that he understands me, loves me and tries to do good by me and then brings up the same issue about communication and not feeling like he gets enough attention or that I’m not putting in the same effort as him. We would have another long talk about it to where we say “yeah we fixed it and we both feel better” I would relax and think everything is going well and then the same thing would happen again.

I have been having thoughts that maybe I’m not doing enough, maybe I could be doing more, talking more, going out more, but he doesn’t make plans for us. At first we both blamed it on the hot weather (I’m a hijabi and have to wear modest full coverage clothes so going out while it’s super hot is honestly torture for me and no one likes to be sweating with makeup on) and then on the fact there is nothing to do. I told him to make plans when I felt like we aren’t going out (we legit only went out once to visit his father at the hospital, one time he came over to my house and one time I went over to his family’s house) to which he said that he already knows and went to everywhere in town when he was my age and is bored of it and there is nothing to do.

I feel like this is getting too long so to end it off, this morning we had a conversation, before I started writing this, to where he would ask me the same questions he asks before “do you see anything wrong with me? Anything u want me to fix? Do you think I’m a bad person? Do you want me?” And I have reached a point where I don’t even want to answer them, I feel drained. I decided to give this relationship maybe one more week or two or at least until he does something like this again.

Listen if there is anything I can clarify about my own actions I don’t mind, I’m not against being criticized I even begged my mom to tell me if there is anything I can improve or if there is anything I’m doing wrong. I want to know if this is a me thing. And maybe I’m being biased to myself while writing this. I don’t want anyone to think he is a bad person, he isn’t.

But please any advice or thoughts I would appreciate, any criticism I will accept. Thank you so much and sorry for the long read.