passively and analytically suicidal

i have memories of being young and wanting to die, 10 years later im 19 and still not much has changed. i had a failed attempt last year and since then i’ve continued to ask for help and no one seems to care.

some background:
i have an emotionally unavailable mother and was sexually and physically abused by my then stepfather from ages 6-10. the memories havent left me. since then i have been diagnosed with PTSD and became hyper sexual. i have extremely low self esteem and antidepressants didnt help me.

i find it impossible to find love and have been hurt (sexually and emotionally) so many times by many different men. with everything that has happened, my brain sees suicide as the logical option. but i can’t bring myself to do it.

the people around me know about my mental illness but nobody seems to take it seriously and people think im crazy because of how i act when i’m depressed. university has been okay, though. but i still struggle a lot with my emotions.

outwardly, i am an extroverted, conventionally attractive and smart person, but my brain is all types of fucked up. especially with how the world is right now, how do i move past the urge to end it?