I wish i could just be cis...

I'm tired of dysphoria and feeling so sad. I keep hearing these gguys with deep voices and huge adams apples and super flat chests and stuff like that. I'm so tired of being a girl but somedays i think i could just stay like this and be happier by ignoring everything i feel. My extended family already has one trans dude in it and i feel like he deserves it more than me so i cant be trans too. i also got gender affirming gear recently (makeup, binder, etc) and as nice as it feels to wear there are some times i cant and that feels worse than it did before and i hate it. I feel like im missing a part of me when i dont have them, which is most of the time. i just really want to be cis. i wish i could be a girl and ive tried so hard to be a girl and ive always come back to the conclusion im trans and i really dont want to be. this time im trying not to ignore it but i still want to. im tired of not being a guy.