Desire in a Marriage: Husband vs. Wife

Hey everyone, as I’m working on figuring out my own marriage issues, I’ve been thinking about the meaning behind being desired by your spouse and how it is different for men and women. Here are my thoughts. I would love to hear your opinions (from both men and women).

For husbands, being desired feels like his wife values him, appreciates him, and is trying to protect the relationship. And likewise, a lack of desire feels like the contrary—she doesn’t value him or the relationship, and doesn’t appreciate him. Men in these types of marriages feel like they are caretakers and not husbands. I’ve been listening to tons of podcasts by various psychologists and counselors, and they often bring up the “covert contract”, which is where a husband (usually) that wants more sex from his wife will do more chores around the house in anticipation that that will make his wife want to sleep with him. The professionals talk a lot about how this doesn’t work because the wife’s desire mechanism is totally different. But I’ve never heard them talk about why the men often do this instinctively. I think this concept of a “covert contract” backs up my theory, because if you think about it, the husband is instinctively trying to add value to the relationship (by doing more chores) with the expectation that the wife will desire him for adding value to the relationship because he instinctively associates being desired and being valued as one and the same. 

For a wife, (as far as I can tell) she desires her husband when she feels emotionally safe, valued, appreciated, close, and attracted to her husband (although it seems if the first four characteristics are present, attraction can follow—at least with some women). And perhaps some women need to feel desired first by the man as well. (And I’m talking about desire in a marriage, since dating sex or hookup sex may be more about thrill and excitement, etc.) Hence, in an imperfect marriage where the wife doesn’t feel appreciated or super close to her husband, doing more chores probably isn’t going to change a thing in her desire of him.

My questions are as follows: 1) Men, can you relate to my feelings of being desired? If not, what does being desired mean to you? 2) Women, is my description of what drives desire accurate for you? 3) Women, have you ever thought about what it means for your husband to feel desired by you? If so, are your thoughts similar to my meaning above?  4) Women, even if you are at a low point in your marriage and don’t feel appreciated or whatever, does your sex drive override any negative feelings and still you desire your husband? 5) Women, if you aren’t at a perfect place in your marriage but you still recognize your husband’s hard work, do you ever make a special effort just to show appreciation to husband even though your don’t desire him, or is that off the table completely if you don’t feel close to him? 

Would love to hear your thoughts!