Breaking up with an avoidant

Ps: Long post ahead

I recently broke up with someone I dated for about four months, and I’m honestly struggling to make sense of it. I keep going back and forth between wondering if he was dismissive avoidant, emotionally unavailable, incompatible with me, affected by cultural differences, or if he simply wasn’t that into me anymore. I know nobody here can diagnose someone from a Reddit post, but I’m hoping people can help me understand the pattern because the breakup left me incredibly confused.

We lived in different cities, a little over an hour apart, and both had pretty busy schedules. We usually saw each other every other week or sometimes every third week, and because of the distance we’d usually spend the night at each other’s places. We dated for four months, although the last month feels completely different from the first three.

The beginning was actually really good. He was very engaged during the talking stage and seemed genuinely eager to be with me. He would stay up late just to call me, sometimes completely ruining his sleep schedule. He told me he liked listening to me talk and spending time with me. He was affectionate and boyfriend-like in person, especially when we were alone. He told me he loved me and that his intention had been to make me his girlfriend. He also repeatedly said that he wanted a serious, committed relationship. He told me I was one of the most fantastic and sweetest people he’d ever met, that he loved my personality, and that he thought I was funny. So I don’t think I was dating someone who was obviously uninterested from the beginning.

Looking back, though, there were always little things that made me feel like I couldn’t completely reach him. He didn’t really like deep or emotional conversations. Most of our conversations were me talking and him listening. He actually liked that I talked a lot because he could just sit there and listen, but he didn’t really share much about himself beyond surface-level things. He wasn’t particularly curious about me either. Most of our dates were basically staying at his apartment, watching Netflix and hanging out. When he came to my city, we usually did whatever I wanted because he left most of the planning to me. He was also noticeably different in public compared to when we were alone. He could be very affectionate and physically close behind closed doors, but seemed much more distant in public. He didn’t really like PDA, although he would hold my hand if I reached for his. I accepted that because I thought it was simply part of his personality.

The thing that caused me the most anxiety was his phone. He was extremely private with it. He gave me his password and said he would have shown me what was on it, but whenever the subject actually came up, he became defensive. He would notice if his phone wasn’t exactly where he left it, and he didn’t want me to see certain photos or videos because he said I wouldn’t like what was in them. He also kept following exes and girls he’d previously flirted with and remained in contact with some of them. He also openly talked about other women being beautiful, hot or sexy, and he didn’t like talking about his previous relationships or the emotional details of how they ended. At the time, all of this made me paranoid that I was being lied to, cheated on or played.

He barely contacted me apart from one call that night. He told me he’d basically spent the whole day watching things and staying in his room. Over the next few days, he was busy with work, but the calls I had become used to slowly started disappearing. We used to have long calls, sometimes around two hours, and suddenly they were being cut down to 15 minutes. He’d say he was going to sleep, but I’d sometimes see him playing on Discord until three in the morning. He insisted he wasn’t intentionally distancing himself, but I could feel him becoming distant. I didn’t know what had happened. I started wondering if he’d lost feelings, if something else was going on, or if I had somehow done something wrong. The more distant he became, the more anxious I became.

I eventually sent him a voice message days after telling him how much he meant to me and how much I loved spending time with him. I told him that I wished we could spend more time together because the distance already made that difficult, and I asked for more communication. I ended the message by telling him that I was saying all of this because I loved him, to which he replied ‘I love you too’. But instead of the voice message bringing us closer, he continued pulling away. We then agreed to have a serious conversation a few days later to ‘fix things’.

The communication stayed short. He became even busier, and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious because I had no idea whether he was simply overwhelmed, losing feelings, or intentionally distancing himself. The day before our serious conversation, I finally broke down. I called him and asked him to listen to me as a friend because I had so many thoughts and emotions building up. I basically unloaded everything I’d been holding in. I told him about how insecure I felt about his phone, the women he stayed in contact with, the exes and former flirts he still followed, the sudden change in communication, the shorter calls and the feeling that he was pulling away from me.

I told him that if someone asked me whether I would still choose him and our relationship, I would say yes. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t want him. My problem was that I didn’t feel secure that he still wanted me. Then I asked him if he would choose us and he said ‘I don’t think so’. He told me he’d been tired of the relationship for about a week, that he wanted to be single and that he wanted a break. I asked if I should move on and he said yes. He still wanted to talk the day after and him distancing was apparently not him soft launching a breakup (?). I asked if I could drive to him so we could talk in person, but he didn’t want me to. He said he loved talking to me and spending time with me, but that the break was necessary.

During the night, he called to check in. I openly told him how I think he’s a dismissive avoidant. While I listed the most common behaviour of a DA, his face grew more and more surprised. It was as if I could read him like a book and see through him openly. He then proceeded to list things like how we’d want fewer calls, shorter visits, and issues like being tired of driving, me being “too clingy,” the distance, and wanting a more “normal” Danish relationship. But many of these things had never been issues before.

I tried to find compromises, but it felt like the decision was already made and the reasons were being added afterward. He didn’t really reflect on his own role in the relationship and just assumed that I expected a lot from him in the relationship when all I wanted was just for him to show up and choose us. Eventually we ended things. He said he loved me, that what we had was real, and that I was amazing but he still chose to leave. Afterwards, he also left things open, such as suggesting we could be friends, saying I could still contact/call him, that I was always welcome to go to him and his city, and joking about maybe talking again in the future.

That’s what confuses me most… he wanted to end the relationship, but also didn’t fully let go.

I know I became anxious and insecure, and I’m not trying to paint myself as perfect. But I’m struggling to understand how someone can say they love you, enjoy you, and still decide to walk away while leaving so many doors open.
Was this emotional unavailability, avoidant behavior, or simply someone who cared but didn’t want the relationship enough to continue?

I’d really appreciate outside perspectives from people who’ve experienced something similar…