I feel like I ruined my life a little

Sorry if it’s all over the place bc I’m not in the best headspace rn…

I’m 22F and I feel like I ruined my life a little. I know good things in life takes time, but I feel like I fucked up the chances for myself.

1. I haven’t been consistent with my anti-depressants and I experience age regression, passive

🔑

1. ideation, and overall a very cloudy headspace. These days I feel like a fucking zombie, even now as I’m sitting in the emergency room waiting to get an ultrasound for a health concern.

They also increased my dosage due to a previous suicidal attempt (50mg to 100mg), so that might also be a factor…

1. I got myself kicked out of a young women’s shelter (for women around my age 20-25), due to an altercation I had with a housemate who I used to be okay with. It’s mainly my fault it even got that bad,

esp cause I iniated the physical aspect of it,

1. but she kept provoking me for weeks and I reported it to the staff and not much was done.

2. I delaywd my housing process by not being responsible financially and not staying on top of everything.

3. I have a bad issue of manipulating people to get what I want, and my brain gravitates towards doing things that are bad/unhealthy for me mentally for gratification. Like doing things outside that are unsafe.

4. I begged someone to let me be his friend again after I lashed out on him because they reached out after a long time but I saw his Instagram and found he had a girlfriend, but then he seemed shocked so I felt bad like I did something wrong but then his gf confronted me on another number to tell me to leave her man alone.

5. I crave to be loved so much no matter how much effort I put into making myself happy (experimenting with my style, discovering new hobbies like gaming and reading and even writing.)

6. I developed terrible eating habits (overeating when I feel hungry because I’m afraid if I eat too little I will still be hungry), and not consuming enough water which led to me gaining a ton of weight (227 lbs standing at 5’9. Some of these inherited from my late mother who I just lost this year in January because she had these same eating habits.

7. I feel like pushing my friends away and causing them to hate me.

So yeah, because of these things, I feel like I ruined my life. Maybe I’m being overdramatic, esp bc there’s people out there have it worse than me.
I’m not necessarily looking for any, but if anyone wants to input something that is fine I just needed to get this off my chest bc I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. (I have friends but I had a bad habit of dumping my problems onto them so I’m trying to stop that)