Escapism and weed

I realized I have a problem needing to escape. Weed helps me zone out and not care so I do mindless things like video games, scroll, or watch shows for hours. When I quit I struggle with these things but not as much.

I quit for months at a time and somehow always fall back into the trip. At first it was an edible or seltzer here and there. More recently after 3 months I had a month bender. Smoking as soon as I could. Started with flowers and then even got a cart.

I realized I was exhausted. Even after spending a whole weekend doing nothing in the house I was so tired. I wasn’t rested. Even if weed made me sleepy no sleep was fulfilling. My routines all broke. I got to a low. I saw the signs and realized it’s time to pull it back again. One thing I’ve gotten good at is quitting. I know when enough is enough and my life is falling apart. I know the withdrawals aren’t as bad as they were in the past especially after short periods. I can still remember the good habits and feeling better to pull myself out. Sometimes it takes a weekend. Sometimes a few weeks. Or other times it takes a month for me to realize I can’t use weed and live a fulfilling life.

The escapism is just the hard part. Idk why I do it. I know it’s because I’m avoiding the hard things but it’s so ingrained in me. I’m nervous I’ll never get pass this and look back at my life and regret.

I need a new therapist but finding a good one is tough. I’ve tried.

I guess I’m just venting like I always do.

Day 2 in bed. All I ate today was a couple scoops of rice and granola bites. Tea.

This is all after spending 7 hours playing video games 😩