Honestly

I wish I could hold more anger for the people who've hurt me. I wish I'd get mad, but honestly I'm just numb to it. I just get upset that they could be so awful when all I tried to do was be kind. In a way, I just feel like I encounter lost souls who're attracted to my light. For a second they'll hover around me but wander off once their shadow dims it.

I'm not mad because I understand, I see it. I'm not mad because I open with love. I don't wish to harm people or expect things that they aren't capable of. Sometimes it just upsets me that they can't find their light too. I don't know if I really even expect any of these people to stick around. Sometimes I wonder if they had, would I get uncomfortable that I could no longer see? I wonder if their fear of abandonment was justified.

Sometimes, it's just nice to find comfort in another broken soul. To be seen and held by someone who's also slightly damaged. The problem is that I always choose people who don't want to fix themselves. They assume that since I'm so honest from the jump, I'll stick around. I'm honest because that's who I am, not because there's something inherently special about you. I love because I am broken in a sense.

You see, my light has fractures in it. I want to be consumed sometimes, I like the darkness. That's my problem, I don't choose people who will help me. I choose the chaos, the things that feel familiar. Unfortunately, unhealthy attachment is what feels "safe". So I sit there and let it happen.

I have myself to blame, I put myself in it. I mentally punish myself for it. I rerun it through my brain until I'm mentally exhausted. I try to rationalize the broken people and my involvement with them. I try to understand their motivations. The problem is, a healthy person wouldn't leave me to figure it out on my own. They'd sit there and be patient.

I think I'm just as broken, just not in the same way the people I choose are. While their problems include hurting people by using them, mine includes choosing people who hurt me. I don't like it, I'm an emotional addict. I hate this part of myself, so I try to fix it. I'm on this awful negative feedback loop.