I have not felt real in over 10 years

I have been in a general state of dissociation for, as much as I can remember, about the past 10 years (about age 9 to now). It started with consistent stressors/trauma during my preteen years, and consisted throughout.

It's not always severe, but I am never in a state of feeling truly connected with myself and the world around me. I am so far gone that grounding techniques do not help. I constantly live in a dream-like state of being. I get random glimpses of coming back to reality, but I can never seem to make these moments last.

I am beginning to work through my issues with my therapist, but I've been this way so long and through such formative years that I can't remember what its like to feel real.

I have been suffering from severe clumsiness/feeling like I am in an almost catatonic state, or that I am moving through molasses. I don't really have any sense of time anymore. I often find myself not being able to conclude simple tasks, such as getting ready for bed. I have also begun to experience subtle hallucinations.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed, and I am honestly so terrified. I just want to be real.