Is this normal? Am I supposed to just live with what I’ve done?

New to the sub, bear with me. I thought this might be the best place to hear others thoughts on this and forgive me if it’s been asked a hundred times already. I started my transition (Female to Masc, not necessarily male or nonbinary, just masc) in September of last year and was on T for around 5 months. It had taken me a while to fully decide to start my transition because of how my gender identity was often “flowing” but still was masculine despite that so I thought it was the best for me. My wife was scared, but she supported me becoming who I wanted to be. I was seeing my prescribing doctor regularly, I was in contact with a surgeon that was starting me down the road to a safe gender-affirming surgery to help with my chest dysphoria, I had support from friends and family: everything seems to be great for me.

And then I went back to college after taking a gap semester. It was February of this year when I realized that I wanted to go back to school for Music Education, what I had started my college career as in Aug of ‘23. So, I contacted my school, I got everything set up for me to do a semester of gen eds while I got ready to audition for entry into the program for the fall. But when I went to start training my range and finding audition songs that were comfortable for me, I was heartbroken. I couldn’t sing, period. I spent about 2 weeks trying every trick in the book. Exercises, messaging and talking with trans musicians who had already transitioned and been around this block, having my old choir director try to help me. I just couldn’t anymore. This whole thing broke my heart so much that I left school before the end of the semester and went back to my hometown to find work. During that same time, I think I realized that I shouldn’t have jumped so quickly for a me that I wasn’t sure of. I stripped the old me of everything I loved to be a version of myself that never actually existed, I was just an insecure person that couldn’t accept the fact that women, especially lesbian women, could just be masculine.

Now, all of this seems like whining, I know. “Oh you are sad about the thing they warned you about, whomp whomp”. It just feels so much heavier than that. I was a Class A mezzo-soprano soloist all through middle and high school with high achievements to back it, I went to college for vocal music ed because that was who I wanted to be. I did theatre and got vocally challenging roles because they knew I could do it. All of that is gone now…My wife’s theatre troupe in our hometown wants me to join them because they “know what I am capable of” but I don’t have the heart to tell them that they knew, not anymore though. I don’t want to admit it to myself because then I will feel like I have been lying to myself about being somewhere under the trans-umbrella for the last 10+ years, but I think it’s pretty obvious: I regret transitioning. Even just those 5 months, short, but they ruined my life. I miss singing, I miss theatre, I miss the person I was before I transitioned. Is this normal? Am I whining about warnings I should have heeded? I’d appreciate any thoughts and support, maybe I won’t feel so alone then. Thanks everyone.