I'm in love with my brother (not actually, don't come after me)

I would like to begin this post by apologizing if this offends anyone. That's not, and never will be, my intention. I'm really only seeking help. I feel like what I'm doing is wrong, and I need a place to project my emotions, so this is it. There's no one else I know I could tell this to because I feel I might get judged. Part of me feels like I'm being performative, and I hate that, but part of me can't ignore these feelings.

Anyway, back to the story.

I am a straight male, and a couple years ago I met what I thought was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, only to later find out that this girl was actually a transgender dude. I didn't really think anything of it. I'm not one to judge or really make that big of a deal out of things like that, but I do remember at least being somewhat heartbroken. At the end of the day, however, I figured I'd just move on. And I think that's the issue: I probably never really did.

Coincidentally, they and I became really close friends. Not like some bestie, sleepover every day, spend every waking moment together kind of situation, but more of a brotherly bond. We were so close that, at the beginning of our friendship, we'd always get teased about the fact that we were probably secretly dating.

We never really hung out a whole lot together, but when we did, we made the most of it. And I loved that. And I believe they did too. To the point where, one time, we gave each other speeches about how we'd probably spend the rest of our lives together. Not as a couple, but as siblings. Like I've said before, a brotherly bond.

However, if I'm being honest, there was always something off about our dynamic. Whenever we'd hang out and do anything that could remotely be considered romantic, we'd always make a joke about it. If I'm being fully transparent, it was mostly me, but they played along too, so I'm assuming they were okay with it. For instance, when going out to eat, if we sat at a table, I'd say something like, "I don't know, man, sitting across from each other… that's kinda gay." Things like that. Playful banter, but nothing actually serious.

However, recently, something changed, and I realized I never did.

This past week, I was told by them that they were detransitioning. I wish I could tell you why, but I don't really know myself. However, what I do know is that I think I never let go of those feelings I initially had, even though I thought I did.

From the very moment I was made aware of this information, I instantly felt like something had changed in our relationship. This, however, is mostly on my end. I doubt they feel the same way, but it feels like I'm talking to a different person, a complete stranger.

I understand that the idea of treating somebody differently because they chose to change what they identify as is inherently wrong. So I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened, but it's hard to ignore. The girl I fell in love with sophomore year is back. And she's just as pretty as I remember.

I know these feelings aren't out of nowhere. I've had them before, and I genuinely enjoy their company. Something tells me that my "gay comments" were probably just a way for me to cope with my feelings. And now that my world is upside down, I have no choice but to face them. But I don't know how.

What's wrong with me? How should I proceed? What should I do? I want to continue getting along like we did before and pretend like nothing changed.

But it's hard for me to ignore this, and I don't know what to do.

I'm in love with my brother.