I’m honestly struggling but w optimism

It is a very difficult post to make. I have been experiencing how I feel right now for the last few years. Worst part is I’ve got nothing that i can significantly complain about going wrong. It just got like this one day, ofc there were different layers being added before that could have caused it but ig i did underestimate how much loads of small damages together can harm you.

I keep having these thoughts right about what I’m going to do, to the point where I spend hours thinking on what I’m going to do and I have all these beautiful Projects lined up , every day, I keep telling myself I want to do this and do that. I’m trying to tell myself okay i can balance it all or go about it one after another , just Do something for 10 minutes each day. I’ve tried many variations of making this appealing.I really believe what i wanna do is fun , great even , could be sold even idk , I’ll on,y know if i try but i personally believe that my ideas are great and i try to make it but freeze up. It’s just so hard to keep a track of everything.

I don’t even know if this is executive dysfunction, I’ve been trying to understand why I don’t do the things really really want to do, come up with so many different explanations and nothing no amount of analysing myself mentally is helping me. I don’t want to keep watching YouTube videos -even that i don’t think I do. I just sit here and do nothing. You know. I just sit and sit and sit and do nothing every day, but in my head, I feel like I moved to mountain because it’s like a very cluttered room of ideas and I keep arranging it in some order that I keep forgetting about as there are no labels. I go back inside and I do it from the first year from scratch.

It’s hard hard. To the point that I don’t even eat as often as i should , I’d be just sitting and starving but unable to move? I feel so ungrateful and like a general bad person because i have a full pantry, i can eat? I’ve got every supply i need to do anything at all at home but I just don’t?

I’m scared it’ll always be veteran sitcom in the background rewatched passively for the millionth time while I’m still sitting among a clutter of papers.

Like I have tried to be compassionate and trusting of my body and mind when it says no to something , like I’m compassionate enough to really trust me when i tell myself “later” , but even though I don’t want to , when i look back it’s starting to feel like maybe it’s a mistake - but i know it’s not laziness? I don’t chill at all , thhe things i wanna make are all i think about ! But when I don’t make it for no reason and it keeps getting postponed it is very hard to not pay attention to the voice that’s moved in , telling m to give up as i simply won’t do “the things”. might as well give up so as to not feel bad about it by lowering expectations from myself -

i already struggle w heavily fluctuating self esteem and image issues that i already avoid mirrors , don’t talk to people as much and what not and that’s why I’ve been way more compassionate towards myself and making myself reach out on here - it’s odd to ‘remember’ being a social person full of energy, that version of me feels so distant and i wanna become alright before that version also starts becoming a blur and i start doubting myself if that was even real - what is real in like vague aspects keep me confused - i keep having thoughts about validating the validation for something that didn’t need one in the first place like body checking despite knowing my exact measurements or just monitoring sounds outside my house and it’s just leaking to other parts of my existence in lil anxiety bundles.

- I don’t want to isolate , I don’t want all these negative feelings to get the better of me - I don’t want to believe it’s all hopeless anyways whenever there’s a chance for the voice to sneak that in - yes every dog in the world i can’t find a home for, and the many poor people without food idk it’s othat doesn’tverhwlming and makes me guilty about using my resources and privileges - none of this means I can’t brush my teeth but somehow i just sit and sit and keep diving into my head