extreme emotions and regression around my cycle. wondering if anyone else can relate.

Hello. I don't really know how to explain this. I've never brought it up to anyone, not even friends, family, or a therapist. It coming in pretty explosively in the days leading up to (or early on in) my period feels like a recent development over the past 1-2 years.

The good news is I almost never have to use a period tracker. Ever! I can tell when my cycle is about to start with exceptional accuracy. The bad news is the absolute mental storm that comes along with it being the sole reason that I know. The day or two before it starts legit has me feeling like I'm about to enter psychosis. I don't know if panic or dread really pinpoint the way I'm feeling, but it's the simplest explanation.

I also have passive, but really strong su!c!dal feelings during that time - that while never something I had a plan for, or wanted to act on, genuinely led me to consider going inpatient. I think I would have chosen hospitalization twice this year if not for having no health insurance, worrying what would happen to me, and the overall stigma for being seen for these things.

Additionally, there are other stressors/emotional states that occur that I have been afraid to talk about. Amidst everything else, I feel like I revert to this really *extreme* state of emotional immaturity.

No one else would know, I carry on as normal at work, I don't talk to my family about it - but I have this feeling of being intensely vulnerable, like I'm a kid again. I hesitate to use the word 'regression' because of it's weight in an actual clinical sense and the context around it. But it's overwhelming. I genuinely need to curl up in bed and rub my feet together, or sleep with an old, favorite stuffed animal just to feel regulated.

I feel like it goes beyond 'I'm stressed out and don't want to adult', I feel the need to shut a lot out, and literally don't want to make any decisions. I find myself wishing that my parents were there to take on those responsibilities. I don't want to take care of myself. I feel like my mental process becomes very 'juvenile' in the way it wants to process things.

And when those first few days of hell are over and the worst of it is past, I have a hard time revisiting how that really 'felt' or why I felt that way.