The only way for me moving on is practicing radical forgiveness

What I've realized is that 99% of the time - the only reason for my relapse (which occurs after months of semi decent and hard mode streaks) is that I have no reason to continue.

It feels that all is lost, there's no point in retaining; might as well as relapse another time.

If this percentage was smaller; skipping this step would still make sense. But now it doesn't.

Would practice compassion towards myself (this comes after a lifetime of being extremely harsh and unforgiving inner voice). Lets see where this takes me. Being hard on myself definitely didn't take me anywhere.

For me, forgiving myself would be tougher than having a long abstinence period. In fact - it feels neigh impossible. Would report on how this goes.