really wanting a relationship has led me to hurt some people. including myself😜

(21F) so i guess ill start here, i lost my virginity and had my first kiss at 16 to a guy i barely knew because i felt like i was missing out on something i guess. when really, i liked his friend more. which i not long after started hooking up with. which he was also my bestfriends ex. so thats fucked. lost my bestfriend after that obv. im awful ik

then.. i start fw my brothers best friend on the low, whos no longer friends w my brother due to other reasons. but during this time (like 3 years on and off) that i was hooking up with him, it was a lot. i started to isolate myself pretty bad (still do). turns out the guy is gay? or not gay, im not completely sure but he likes to play dress up and buy womans clothes. which was a shock when i found out. btw, i was down bad for this guy. he put me through littteral shit😭. i still have love for him till this day tho.

at somepoint during that time i decided to move on and ended up meeting someone. he came over to my place cus my parents were out of town at the time. he ended up staying over at my house for like 2 months straight literally since the first day i met him. mind yall i have never had a dude at my place like that or even had a guy meet my parents. he was the first. i had to end things with him though because i knew i wasnt feeling it as much as he was. which this whole thing realllityy checked me. i didnt know wtf i was doing or what i had got myself into. i felt so bad i literally broke his heart. he cried outside my house for prob a hour when i broke up with him.

moral of the story is i dont know wtf to do anymore. i feel so stuck. ive been telling myself for the longest time that im not ready for a relationship. this guy that i fw early this year is texting me again rly wanting to see me cus he very obv misses me. but being me i overthink everything. i would love to see him but im just terrified tbh. guys have lied to me so so many times. i rly dont wanna have a bad view on men. but its so hard to put trust in anyone, including myself. im at the point where i cant go out and meet new ppl or even old friends. it gives me bad anxiety. i dont wanna hurt someone or get hurt again. all ive ever wanted in life is someone to luuvve🫩💔