Questions to ask yourself before donating (Part 1)

1. Will I feel comfortable telling my, partners, immediate and extended family about my donations?

If you are thinking about keeping your donations a secret from your family and friends, I would strongly advise against donating. Family secrets rarely stay secret especially in the age of DNA testing. The only thing this does is project a layer shame onto something that doesn’t have to be. If you donated anonymously, (which most donor conceived people are highly against) one day your biological children may reach out to your sister or your cousin and you don’t want them to feel any surprise. Telling your family means that they are expecting donor conceived people to reach out and they can be prepared to offer them information, and openness. If you are donating, you should let your family know so that there isn’t any need to explain things a few decades later. Also, the secrecy can make it harder for you to connect with your biological children. It’s better to just keep everything out in the open. If you plan on keeping your donations a secret - then donation is mot for you.

2. Will I be comfortable telling my partner or potential partners about my donations?

Anyone that you date or partner with should know about your donations from the very beginning. Realistically this should be like a third date conversation. Some partners are uncomfortable with their partner donating gametes, and will not want you to be open to your biological children which can many complicate things later on. If you have already donated, you should not partner with anyone who would feel uncomfortable with or be opposed to you having a relationship with your biological children. For me, this is a nonnegotiable, it has made both the relationship with my partner and my biological children much easier. As I have said before, family secrets rarely stay a secret, and hiding something like this from your partner can only cause your relationship real harm. If you plan to hide your donations from your partner, donation is not for you.

3. Am I going to keep up to date medical records and feel comfortable regularly sharing them with my donor conceived children and their parents?

This is arguably one of the most important parts of being a donor. You must regularly have doctors visits and promptly update your biological children and their parents when and if any health related condition comes up. This also includes any other relatives health history and updates. If your sibling is diagnosed with a genetic disease that’s caught later in life, you must immediately tell your biological children and/or their parents. If you opted for a closed donation, you must call the clinic you donated to and tell them. Truly having open donations would make sharing this information much easier. The reason this is so important is that not having regular health updates can delay (sometimes lifesaving) medical care for the children you create. When the information is withheld unnecessarily, it can lead to sometimes serious conditions left undiagnosed. Providing the accurate and up to date medical information is one of the most crucial aspects to being a donor. If you do not feel comfortable sharing this information with your biological children, donation is not for you.