20+ years and still trying

We've been married forever. I find myself literally mourning the thought of a sex life, the sex I could have had, feeling desired...

I think I've stayed plump because somewhere in my unconscious it helps give me a reason as to why he might not want to be intimate. He's had ED, but through exercise and medication, it's not an issue any longer.

From the get go he wasn't super sexual, but we were definitely attracted to each other. He was amazing and generous with cunnilingus, he's the only person to have ever helped me reach climax with anyone other than myself (I think I've learned emotions need to be there for me to climax), but it's just never been that important to him.

On our honeymoon, he found it more important to boogie board and get lobster burnt than to enjoy me with all my nighties and sexy clothes. Raising kids he only wanted to do it at night and in our bed, but lord forbid they might hear. Even when we moved houses when the kids were teens, I knew I didn't want a kid sharing a wall with our bedroom because he'd never be intimate if they could hear, but he let our daughter chose that room. When the house is empty or we get time alone, my first thought is sexy time... but more often than not he over-eats or makes plans with friends.

IMO he needs to work on his issues with sex. There's some kind of block or shame there. He wants to shower before sex. He wasn't that way before we married. Even though we've both been through counseling alone and together he really doesn't want to talk about it. Porn doesn't turn him on. It took a lot to convince him to bring this issue up to his doctor.

I've wondered if it has to do with his taking so long to climax himself. He had partners in the past who ridiculed him for sometimes not cumming at all during sex or foreplay. I'm not that type of partner. I'm content with intimacy and touch, though it is hard to be someone who likes to give and hear their partners enjoyment. Turning him on turns me on. I've even wondered about his sexuality, but he assures me that's not the issue.

He is a video gamer and has tons of hobbies (rc cars, guitar, dnd, board games, etc.), is that stealing his dopamine? I don't think so, it's not an addiction. He has a narcissistic mother, who cheated on his father. He was raised by her because his father died when he was 10. When we got together is when he first really started questioning why he let her bowl over him in so many areas. Does that have something to do with it?

He's still very generous with his touch. But just receiving is hard on my pleaser brain who wants to balance the scales. It feels selfish to ask for climaxes (because they're so much better when he gives them to me than any toy I've found). He says it's fine, but it's hard to believe and sometimes makes me feel like I'm a to-do on his list to check off.

I've randomly brought up having another partner (I'm bi), but I think that's hard for both him and I to think about. 1) I so love and adore my husband I want sex to be with him 2) I need that emotional connection to climax, I can't imagine finding that with another partner without it being a true relationship 3) he's extremely against cheating, me too, and I don't think either of us could wrap our heads around trying to find a way for me to get sex without breaking our marriage.

But damn, I want the experimenting in bed, I want to have all different kinds of sex with my partner... I hate thinking I just have to say goodbye to that part of my life.

I know it could just be his nature and don't get me wrong, I am VERY happily married. We laugh everyday, we flirt, he's a wonderful husband and father, especially because he does try to make an effort. I'm the only initiator now, though, and can relate to constantly having to give blowjobs like another poster said. Though I enjoy giving, having to do that every time makes it seem like work. But sometimes you just want penetration.

Do I just let that part of my life go? I envy my friends who complain about their partners always wanting sex. If their partners are even a little attractive to me, sometimes I imagine that I could take that "duty" over for them. LOL

Are there others happily married in the same situation?