guilt, hesitation, reassurance, confidence, guilt again

i always want to remain positive. i am expected to remain positive. and so when i'm not, i'm used to just disappearing. i disappear for as long as it takes for me to get back the energy to plaster a smile back on my face, to make a cheeky joke, to give some sage advice. nobody likes me when i'm sad. nobody likes me when i'm stressed or frustrated. that's not the type of space i'm allowed to occupy as a friend/partner.

when i get sad, it's like they can sense it. when i need someone, everyone disappears. so i just don't let on. i disappear instead. i fix myself, alone again, and then come back, good as new. no one will ever see the anguish, the time, the effort it took to get back to the place where i could be that person again. i had just accepted that. people keep me around because i make them feel good. when i'm not able to do that, well, what's the point of having me around? to many, i am a product, a service, someone who has no value outside of being utilized by other people.

to you, i think that's not true. i think that's not how you see me. saw me. i think that's not how you feel. felt. but what am i supposed to do? make an exception to a rule? hope that you're the one person who's seen me for who i am in almost three decades of life? show you the thoughts that make everyone else scatter? i know that's what you wanted. thought you wanted. but there's not a switch i could flip and it all felt too fragile, too difficult to navigate. i needed a guarantee that you likely couldn't provide, especially with your actions at the time.

so i did what i do best. i disappeared. sorry. really. sorry. i made the choice for you. i do that sometimes. i could have dealt with things better. but i knew you'd be alright. i'm not the priority and i swear that's fine, i just need to be. sorry again. i just need to be the priority for one single person. just to one person, matter enough. i wanted it to be you but i knew it wasn't. i wish it was! i still wish it was!