Louise

I’ve wanted to reach out to you a lot lately but I remember why I shouldn’t, and that I can’t even if I wanted to. I deleted your number from my phone back in December, when I also unshared my location with you. When I realized you left for Texas without saying goodbye and having ghosted me for weeks. I deleted it so I wouldn’t cave and text you eventually, because I know you won’t reply. You never do. I thought if I stopped reaching out that you’d reach out to me. I guess you did for my birthday but it didn’t sound like you. It sounded forced, fake. There was no acknowledgment of you leaving and not saying goodbye. I didn’t know what to say so I deleted it. I still don’t know why you pushed me away as your friend. There are so many things I have wanted to tell you. But I guess you wouldn’t care. I wonder what you’re doing, where you’re working, if you’re glad you moved back, if you went back to him. I hope you didn’t.

I’ve thought about whether I’d text on your birthday. I don’t think I will. What would I say? “Happy birthday, it’s weird we haven’t spoken in almost a year now???” You should have reached out to me. You still could and I’d probably forgive you if you apologized.

But since you don’t care to know about me I’ll just tell you here:

I was right, she was pregnant and they did get married, in Vegas nonetheless. Remember that painting he made me? Of us getting married in Vegas? I wanted to shake this girl by the shoulders and tell her how stupid she was. Like how I wish someone would have done that to me. But like me, she probably wouldn’t listen anyways. The ring he got her looked just like the one he got me, that black diamond I had picked out. I’m glad I guess it didn’t work out, I don’t even like that style of ring anymore anyways.

She moved in quick, into that little apartment where I lived too, once. I wonder about W. and how he feels. I wonder where his space is now with a new sibling coming. Like I had those dreams of her being pregnant for weeks, I started to dream they were having a girl. Sure enough she announced the pregnancy and there were pink bows in the background. I think she had the baby but I’m not sure. I hate that I still look to see what he’s up to. Not because I want him back but it’s weird to see someone else live the life you had. Or almost had? That painting he made of us is still hanging up in the shop window and I don’t know what to think about that.

You’d be shocked to know I forced myself to go on some dates. I even had a one night stand. It was pretty good. I never saw him again though, it was a mutual feeling. I hate dating apps, and I hate dating. I don’t think it’s for me so I deleted everything. I left that job I’d been at for a year and started at a new district. It was random and I knew nobody there. But come to find out I kind of did. Through connections and people I met more people and moved up the ladder quickly I guess…and now I’m working at a new school, same district, but with an official title of speech assistant. I have my own room and email signature and everything. I still have to graduate but once I do they are moving me to a salaried position. It feels weird. I never thought I’d be doing this but here I am. It’s been a hard start to the year, I was basically thrown into the job. But I’m learning and trying to remind myself this is where I should be. I don’t have time to date anyways, I have to finish this degree now.
I still think about it sometimes though…

My mom bought a place in that city she moved to, the one close by to me. Now I can visit her all the time. She says she’s not drinking but I think it’s only when I’m there. I haven’t really drank myself. I had a beer the last time I visited my mom but that’s been it. When I think about it, it makes me wince. I don’t think I can ever live the way we used to again. Oh and my dad totaled his car in a DUI. He hit mine pretty bad too. He’s been letting me take him to AA for the last month or so but I don’t know if he’s really stopped drinking or not. I think maybe he has but once he gets his license back he’ll just go right back to it. It was rough. I wanted to call you that night when it happened, when they took him to jail. But I didn’t. You weren’t the first person I thought to call though and I think that says something in and of itself.

C. and I haven’t been to the river this summer yet and it makes me sad. Part of it was because I didn’t have my car after the accident for awhile. Part of it was just being depressed I guess. I keep saying we are going to go but it’s been so hot. We’ll go at some point I hope, before fall comes.

I saw a picture of you with them and it was weird, you looked happy but like someone I didn’t know anymore and I guess that is exactly what you are. Someone I don’t know anymore. I feel like I tried everything in me to keep our friendship afloat and for some reason it wasn’t good enough. But then again, I guess I’ve done exactly what you’ve done to me, to someone else. Coincidentally, me and H. talked today actually, about my new job. Things have never been the same between us though. I’ll always regret that. And I think maybe you will regret this, too.

I hope your mom is okay. But I think she probably isn’t. I hope Texas is giving you something you never were able to have here. I hope it’s guiding you where it’s meant to, even if that’s away from me. I hope it’s where you want to be and I hope you’re happy.

I hope it’s different this time for you, but I guess I’ll never know.

-Thelma