All I ask is that he stop YELLING my name

He even does it when I’m in the same room with him. Every utterance of my name is so loud and sharp and I don’t know why.

He claims that’s just how he says it but he doesn’t say any other name this way. Doesn’t call for his side this way (in fact he still yells for me even when she’s right next to him).

I do everything for this man. I put him to bed every night. I don’t leave this house practically at all because I live in constant fear he’s going to fall again.

All I’ve asked of him is to stop screaming my name the way that he does. He will say sorry and that he will try but then it is exactly the same every time.

I know his memory is not what it used to be, I know that. But then again he remembers what he wants to remember. He certainly remembers to tell me he wants his bagel TOASTED every time.

Imagine you’re sitting down reading a book or listening to music or watching TV and suddenly you hear the piercing sound of your name from two rooms over because your father wants to know if we have ice cream.

Do you know how guilty I feel getting upset with my 79-year-old father about this bullshit? I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t have such a physical reaction to it.

I jump every time and it takes a solid 2 minutes for my nervous system to catch up to the fact that nothing is wrong.

The craziest thing is that he calls me with less urgency when he DOES need me urgently. He’s spent a half hour on the floor while I was napping and I woke up to him saying “oh I called you a couple times”. I check the cameras and it’s not half as loud as usual. It’s like he doesn’t want to burden me when he really needs me but when he doesn’t quite need me but wants my attention he doesn’t even think about how I’m impacted.

Of all the problems that come with being a caregiver this is the one that is going to, I think, drive me insane.