I’m angry at God because I have to live.

I’m so tired. I’ve always been tired. Abandoned by mom and dad at 9 months old. Molested at 5. Invisible in my own home by 8 after crackhead cousin moved in and we must all cater to the crackhead so she doesn’t threaten to kill herself or take her kids away from us. Kids I started raising as a kid myself.

Then God is so fucking sick that he gives me a child at 17. A child that I love so incredibly deeply. A child that I strive to love in a way I have never known so that he never feels this loneliness I carry in my bones.

His father committed 5 years ago and I realized… he beat me to the punch. My back up plan was off the table because I couldn’t lay that kind of hurt on the most perfect soul on this planet. He deserves so much better than the terrible parents he go. One who was too cowardly to stay and one who is too cowardly to relieve him of the burden of a deplorable mother.

He loves me, too. He tells me all the time. I get up everyday and go through the motions of being the mother he deserves. I have a good job. I stay with a man I fucking hate because he is a good father and they love each other. I go to all the games. I speak to him kindly. I guide him and I instill good morals in him. I love him in an all consuming, honest, debilitating way.

And yet, I’m so fucking sad. I hide it well. I push it down. I distract myself. I smile and assimilate. And I want nothing more than the mercy of death. I have never felt an ounce of peace. I have never felt joy outside of seeing his joy. And I don’t believe I ever will.

I will go on living this miserable, pathetic existence to keep him from ever thinking, for a moment, that he wasn’t worth staying for. He’s the only thing worth staying for. And I fucking hate God for giving me such an important reason to stay. He looked at me, in all his infinite fucking wisdom, and said “Her one purpose on this Earth is to give birth to a perfect human. I will give her no joy of her own, only the joy of seeing his joy. And she will suffer. But she will stay for her son. This should be a fucking laugh.”

I fucking want to die so God damn bad.

But I will stay forever if it means my son never feels this way.