My ideology feels like it’s changing from the pain…

This condition has changed my life so much so. I kinda almost lost it on someone today. I was at a group outing with acquaintances. I haven’t talked about my endo because I’m still trying to exist. It’s been so debilitating it’s kinda making me like… numb.I don’t feel like myself anymore.

Anyway there was a heated discussion about womanhood and femininity (which happens often in the group) about something a TikTok video (I don’t remember).

I hear someone say something about a woman’s uterus/organs don’t make her a woman blah blah and that it’s the least important thing that makes you a woman. Now I could care less about someone seeing me as a woman. But I took 4 Advils before I came out. I have to wear a belly band so tight to walk it feels like my whole fucking uterus is about to fall out. My bladder has been weird for the last month now (I’ve read endo can spread there).

MY WHOLE LIFE. My WHOLE IDENTITY without my permission has now become about my organs. I could give 2 fucks about being a woman, but here I am experiencing something that feels worse than the 2 unmedicated births I did. Idk why such a stupid convo made me want to cry 🫩🫩🫩🫩🫩

Endo has made me connect to my uterus in ways I never knew possible. It’s made me feel so many emotions and thoughts I never thought I’d put together. I feel like a new side of me without my consent has risen.

I just felt so fucking angry at such a dumb convo. I don’t think I can handle these type of convos anymore. I’m actually a very confrontational person, but I just went home. Ppl noticed I was upset and I didn’t even bother letting anyone know. I don’t want to project my own experiences onto whatever is there’s. I think I’m ready to move on as a whole. Just because, yes once upon a time I had the mind and space to critically take in some conversations. I can’t anymore. This pain has changed me.

I feel like I’m on hold. I’m waiting to exist. What’s crazier is there have been family in my life downplaying this pain too. I immediately stopped talking to them. I feel like I’ve been halted by something that’s always been in me and is now turning on me.

I don’t have any set opinions, but I genuinely feel pissed off. I’m scared of potentially losing my uterus.

It’s so exhausting…. I don’t have an endo specialist anywhere near me either. I’d have to take a plane or drive hours for anything to be done.

Endo has opened my eyes on how severely underfunded women’s health is. It’s opened my eyes to so many women’s experiences I feel so incredibly guilty and sad….

I’m tired. I’m tired of words. Im tired of discussions.
To have given birth and experience something 100x times worse than it has changed me.

Does anyone else plz feel like this….

People will understand your pain when you’re pregnant, but endo??? They act like you’re lying. It’s incredibly dehumanizing….