Life/Vent/Advice

Ok so, let me try and not write a novel.

When I was a child I knew very early on that something was “wrong”. As soon as one could perceive and start to understand the world around them I knew what I was being called (a boy) didn’t align with how I felt. Growing up in the 90s in rural Georgia and having an abusive father complicated things even more. I was punished for wanting female toys, or acting too “girly” constantly. I truly didn’t even know how to pretend to be a boy, it felt so unnatural.

-Skip my parents divorce and some life experiences-

At 13 in 2003, I saw an episode of Oprah that dealt with the term “transgender”, for the first time in my life I felt I wasn’t crazy and wasn’t dealing with this alone.

At 16 in 2006, I come out to family and friends. My mom who is my greatest support quickly helps me find a therapist and I gain access to HRT. Within 2 years I’m undoubtedly a woman, I truly never looked like a boy to begin with. I start working, I start dating, I live my life completely stealth and everything feels normal.

-I NEVER have any trans related surgeries or cosmetic procedures-

My entire adult life I’ve been a woman and no one has ever questioned that.
I’d say within the last 5 years I’ve been feeling strange urges and desires, ones I’d always bury and hide if I ever felt them prior.
Something I’ve never admitted to anyone is that I never had any surgeries because the thought was always in the back of my mind “what if I ever wanted to go back”. The thing is, I barely was ever a boy, never was a man, so what would that even look like for me?
My dysphoria has been randomly increasing the last 5 years? I’m endlessly frustrated that I got as close as I could to being a woman, yet all while never actually being a biological woman, which is what I felt I was supposed to be.
I’ve been fantasizing a lot about detransitioning and completely changing my life. I feel being trans has made my life so endlessly difficult, and yes it’s mostly been mental struggles for me.
I just don’t feel satisfied or fulfilled with who I am, and my mind is wandering to other possibilities, ones that I would have never considered before.
Just wondering if anyone can relate?