I need help

Idk what's wrong anymore. A couple weeks ago I put myself in a mental hospital cause I was getting close to killing myself. I can't do it... I have to live because of my family. My mom shot herself when I was 18 and I understand her now. I want it to all be over. I hate my life. I hate myself. I don't want to keep doing this. But I don't want to put this pain on anyone else.

But im tired. 20+ Years of pain and suffering. Feeling unloved and unwanted. Feeling very empty... and the emptiness only gets worse. I want to sleep and never wake up.

Today was the first day I couldn't force myself to work so I quit. I don't have money for rent or to live. I feel like I just fucked my life up even more. I want to be at the bottom of a bottle or so high I don't know anything. I want to find someone and fuck their brains out for hours just to feel some closeness, love, desire... something to take the pain away.

I have no reason to live... nothing to look forward too. I need help. I need some compassion... Im broken and don't know how to fix myself. Others, easy... me... I cant and I don't know why....

Please help. Give me a reason to live. Anything