I (25F) feel like every disagreement with my close friend (35M) becomes proof that we're incompatible

First, I'm sorry my English isn't the best so had to use a translator for this post

I (25F) have become extremely close to a man I'll call R (35M). We're not officially together and haven't met in person yet, although there has been a lot of romantic ambiguity between us and we were potentially going to meet soon.

When things are good, they're genuinely very good. We talk a lot, joke around, spend time in voice calls, watch things together, and there's a lot of affection between us.

The problem is how our relationship works whenever something goes wrong.

For a long time, R made it clear that he didn't see a romantic relationship happening between us. Because of that, I didn't consider myself exclusive to him and continued living my life as a single person.

At the same time, he has reacted badly to some of my interactions with other men and has admitted that he's possessive with me. In the past he has also complained about feeling like my "plan B" or not being enough of a priority to me.

More recently, his position on us romantically has changed from basically "no" to saying that it isn't impossible and that you should "never say never."

So I've often felt like there were expectations of loyalty, priority or exclusivity without the actual security or clarity of a relationship.

The bigger problem for me is conflict.

When R is hurt or angry, what starts as one specific disagreement can quickly become a much broader judgment about me.

Instead of only saying that one particular behavior hurt him, it can turn into things like:

"You always make everything about yourself."

"You're always trying to justify your faults."

or questioning whether our personalities are compatible at all.

He has also several times talked about us stopping communication entirely during arguments, although he has later calmed down and sometimes apologized.

One major argument involved a mutual friend. R felt like I had prioritized that person over him. I tried to explain that I had misunderstood the situation, but he felt I was making excuses.

The argument became extremely intense and lasted for hours. Later, R apologized and acknowledged that he had already been angry about this other person and had partly taken that anger out on me.

That is something important about him: he can reflect on his behavior afterward. I don't think he's incapable of taking responsibility.

The problem is that by then I've often spent hours extremely stressed and scared that our entire relationship is ending.

A more recent small example involved teasing.

He said something that I interpreted as playful, so I continued joking. He then became genuinely angry and generalized it into a flaw in my behavior. Later he admitted that his original response had partly been a joke too and that he may have overreacted because he was tired.

The current argument started because he sent me something about another person who had upset him.

I responded with "..." because I genuinely didn't know what to say.

He interpreted that as a lack of support.

Later that evening I tried to reconnect several times and eventually directly asked him if he was okay.

He responded that he'd already told me he was annoyed.

I interpreted that as him not wanting to talk, so I told him I'd leave him alone.

The following day he explained that he had actually wanted me to comfort him and that my response made him feel like I only care about problems when they affect me personally.

I understood that and apologized for not being more communicative in that moment.

Where things went wrong again was when I tried to explain that, from my perspective, I had come back to ask how he was doing and his response had made me sincerely think that he wanted space.

He viewed that explanation as me trying to justify what I'd done wrong.

This is where I feel completely stuck.

I don't understand why these two things can't exist at the same time:

"I understand that my reaction hurt you and I'm sorry."

and

"This is what I understood and felt from my side."

When I explain my perspective, he often seems to hear it as me disputing his feelings.

At the same time, when he behaves in a way that hurts me, I tend to take his context into account: sometimes he's tired, not very talkative, procrastinating, already angry about something else, etc.

I feel like I give his imperfect reactions context, while explanations for my own imperfect reactions are more likely to be called excuses.

The biggest issue is what this has gradually done to me.

I'm much more afraid of losing this connection than he seems to be.

During arguments, he can distance himself relatively easily or question whether we should continue talking. I can't detach nearly as easily.

Because of that, I've started monitoring how I speak to him.

I worry about whether explaining myself will sound defensive.

I worry that talking about something that hurt me will be interpreted as making everything about myself.

I worry that one small misunderstanding will become another reason for him to conclude that we're fundamentally incompatible.

I actually tried to explain this fear to him recently: that I sometimes struggle to tell him when something hurts me because I'm scared that the conversation itself will make him reconsider our entire connection.

Shortly afterward, he told me that sometimes you shouldn't force things when people's personalities don't match.

That really affected me because it felt like the exact fear I had just described was happening again.

I want to be fair about my own behavior too.

I'm very attached to him. I can be persistent when I feel misunderstood. I sometimes keep trying to resolve an argument when it would probably be better to stop. I can need reassurance, and I don't always react perfectly when someone is upset.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that I'm completely innocent and he's completely wrong.

I'm trying to understand the overall pattern.

I care about him a lot, but I'm becoming increasingly anxious and hyperaware of everything I say around conflict, and I don't think the amount of stress this relationship creates for me is good for my mental health.

Does this sound like a normal communication incompatibility between two people who handle conflict very differently, or does the overall dynamic sound unhealthy?

And is it reasonable to acknowledge that you've hurt someone while still explaining your own perspective, or is that actually a form of avoiding responsibility?