Married with two young kids. I’m exhausted by my marriage but don’t know if leaving is worth what it could do to them

My wife and I have been together nearly 22 years, married for 7, with two kids aged 7 and nearly 5.

I’m struggling with the realisation that I might just be done.

We’ve both been in individual therapy consistently for around 10 years. I’ve spoken to my wife about these issues before. Things might improve temporarily, but fundamentally nothing seems to change.
The weird thing is we’re actually great friends. We rarely have proper fights. We can laugh together, parent together and function really well on the surface.

But I’ve been unhappy for a very long time and I’m completely emotionally exhausted.

My wife struggles a lot with anxiety and often seems angry, frustrated or overwhelmed by everyday life. I’m naturally pretty easygoing and generally happy, but over the years I’ve become hyperaware of her moods and constantly try to make life easier for her.

I ask her how she’s going, and I mean genuinely ask. I listen rather than trying to fix things. I empathise. If she’s struggling, I’ll take more of the household load. I’ll take the kids out for hours so she can work on projects or have space.

She’s also been a stay-at-home mum for over six years. I’m the sole income earner and, as far as I’m aware, she doesn’t intend to return to work. At the same time I do most of the cooking, a lot of the cleaning and a huge amount of the day-to-day parenting.

I don’t resent any one of those things individually. I love being a dad, I’m happy to contribute at home and I’ve always been supportive of her staying home.
I’m just exhausted from feeling responsible for everything being okay.

Small things can result in sighing, snapping, angry cleaning, stomping around or withdrawing. I constantly find myself wondering what’s wrong, whether I’ve done something, or what I can do to make things easier.

I’ve realised I’ve spent years making myself smaller because it’s easier than dealing with the emotional fallout.

Our relationship as a couple has also almost disappeared. We’ve probably had sex five times in the last 10 years and there’s very little physical intimacy or affection anymore.

I’ve thought about leaving for probably 10+ years. If we didn’t have children, I honestly think I would have left a long time ago.

And that’s the part I’m really struggling with.

I absolutely adore my kids and I’m extremely involved in their everyday lives. The thought of not waking up with them every morning, doing bedtime every night and just being there for all the mundane little parts of their lives is devastating.

I keep thinking that I’m capable of enduring this, so why should my unhappiness justify potentially hurting them?

I also feel responsible for my wife. She’s become quite socially isolated over the years, doesn’t have many close friends or family around her, and is financially dependent on me. The thought of leaving her without that support fills me with guilt.
I don’t hate her. She’s not a bad person. She’s my best friend in a lot of ways and I care deeply about her.

I’m just really tired.

I don’t know whether I actually want to try to save the marriage anymore. After years of therapy, conversations and trying to make space for her, the thought of putting even more work into fixing things just makes me feel exhausted.

At the same time, the idea of breaking up our family because I’m unhappy makes me feel incredibly selfish.

I’m seeing my psychologist again to work through this before doing anything. I’m not looking for Reddit to tell me to divorce my wife.

I’m more interested in hearing from people who reached this point in a basically functional, low-conflict marriage.

How did you work out whether there was actually something left that you wanted to save, versus staying because you couldn’t bear the guilt of leaving your kids?

And if you did leave, how did you reconcile being happier yourself with losing part of that everyday life with your children?

TLDR Wife and I have been together nearly 20 years with two young kids. We’re good friends and rarely fight, but I’ve been unhappy for years and feel completely emotionally exhausted. We’ve both done therapy for years and I’ve raised these issues before, but nothing really changes. There’s also been almost no intimacy for a decade. I don’t know if I have anything left to give the marriage, but the thought of not seeing my kids every day and the guilt of leaving my wife financially/emotionally dependent on me makes leaving feel impossible.