My weight

Excuse me if I made any mistakes, it is my first time posting. Just wanted to share my thoughts.

My body weighs 75kg right now, but it feels so much heavier. 

Maybe it’s because of my shoes, which feel like cement glueing me to the sidewalk making me forget how to walk, even though they only weigh around 900 grams. 

Maybe it's because of the bag on my shoulder that weighs 18.45 kg. It contains the stuff I have to bring when I want to sleep over. It contains three laptops, five phones, a power bank, my Nintendo DS, all of the used vapes I smoked (because smoking a real cigarette means going outside and that means risking having to talk to someone in my yard). It also contains around 15 lighters because maybe they randomly blow up when I am not home. 

My mind tells me all of these things could start a fire, no matter how unrealistic that is, I cant shake it off. 
There are kids living above my apartment.

Maybe it’s because of the anxiety medication I had to collect off the dirty bus ground today, which weighs around 1.5 grams. I dropped the container because my hands were shaking so bad when I wanted to take a pill against the panic building up in me. 

Maybe it’s because of the weight of the air I breathe in when I check my power outlets for signs of a cable fire before leaving my house, which is around 0.6 grams. Don't quote me on this though, I am not a scientist.

Maybe it’s even due to the digital weight I have accumulated in the fight against my mind. 

My iCloud storage holds around 30 GB of videos where I check if I turned off the sink, shower, or stove, unplugged my cables, or shut the windows. It’s a massive collection of clips from my apartment and other places, all filmed to calm the endless list of ridiculous things my anxious mind worries about.

Maybe it’s the single email that weighs around 3.7 kilobytes, which I can’t get myself to press send on because it will dictate the coming months of my life.

I don’t even wanna start with the weight of my thoughts. I wouldn’t know which unit to measure them in.

I know these are all symptoms of something else, and I am working on it, but sometimes I just break down under the weight.

Then I panic.
Then I cry. 

The tears let me relieve myself of a meager gram of that weight.

The remaining weight forms a dark mass through which light is barely visible at times
and light is hope.

I hope y’all are doing alright today, sending love