Feeling Confused

Hey everyone, my gf and I broke up back in November 2025. Now we had been together since meeting on New Year’s Eve a little bit before midnight and ended up kissing when it turned 2019. Since that time we were always together as she literally ended up just living in my apartment till Covid hit hard and then I commuted to school and she lived with her sister. Now around when Covid hit her mom had passed from cancer and we were still very young and I helped bury her. It had really changed her and she began her spiritual journey and kind of gave up partying whatsoever and became insanely health conscious. Now I had always smoked ganja and had continued for many years and this bothered her which I NOW understand why. As years passed we still got along very well but she began to become more emotionally intelligent and I kind of stayed acting like a little kid emotionally. My parents let me stay home during college and when I graduated and got a job I became obsessed with saving and investing money so we could get a house and I could take care of her. The problem is at the time her sister made her move out and get an apartment. I did not want to spend the money to split a place with her and that was fine at the time but as time went on I never really wanted to visit her because I didn’t really like driving over there and I didn’t really like the place. She wanted me to get on the same phone plan as her and kind of mend our lives together. I had now been smoking every day heavily for many years and I was always kind of checked out when I was with her because I was always tired and not with it (go figure) and she would get on me for “not being present” when we were together. I always thought she was being ridiculous and annoying and I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Well since we broke up in November I have not been able to stop thinking about her. I completely stopped smoking and doing nicotine pouches. At first it was to win her back but then I fell in love with how much better I felt about myself. My confidence has been coming back and my energy AND my awareness of my emotions. I completely understand why she was frustrated with how I was acting. I now realize I was not able to give her the attention she needed and the love that she deserved. Before i thought that she was expecting too much from me but now that i am clear headed, i see that what she wanted was the bare minimum. I wasn’t always there to support her when she was happy about something and didn’t ever call her beautiful or pretty. I know she felt insecure in many ways because of how absent I was in presenting compliments and affection toward her. Since becoming sober and really looking back on my actions this past year since we split up, I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and my behaviors that I expressed. I’ve learned that I was t always positive as my parents never congratulated me and always played devils advocate whenever I told them something I was excited about. A lot of the ways that I treated her were ways that I was treated growing up my entire life. My gf was also frustrated with how frugal I was (which I now see myself). I would get mad over going out to say Starbucks for coffee and when they wouldn’t fill it to the brim I would get furious. Or when we went out to eat if it wasn’t spectacular I would get so angry for how much we spent (I paid for literally everything when we went out because I think that’s the right thing to do). I should also mention that we went to the jeweler and I had purchased an engagement ring that she custom made as she really wanted to get married to me and things feel apart about a month after I purchased the ring (which I still have to this day). I was reluctant at the time to propose bc I was not sober and wanted to continue my lifestyle and she was always on me for smoking and not committing fully to her since I didn’t wanna move in with her and didn’t give her the attention and support she needed.

Now that I have been by myself I feel like I’ve grown so much as a person. I have gotten back into working out everyday and started running everyday as well. I never would have gotten here if we hadn’t split up and although I am trying to be greatful for that I miss her so much EVERY SINGLE DAY. I cry almost everyday thinking about her. Now she is the only girlfriend I ever had and I was with her from the time I was 20 to the time I was 27. My sisters tell me that I should go out and try to meet new people but I literally have no desire to talk to anyone but her. I just think about her big beautiful blue eyes, her cute crooked smile, her thick long brown hair, her little giggles, the way she would baby talk to me (sounds so corny but she would say Fank you instead of thank you) and just the way she would lite up when I walked in the room. My sisters tell me I long for her because I was with her for so long and we were just comfortable with eachother even though we both weren’t very happy but, I just get this feeling like I don’t want anyone else.

I’m just really confused on what to do, we have talked about 4 times since breaking up and have gone out to dinner and chatted and everytime I see her I just get so happy. I just feel kind of dumb because I always reach out to initiate it. We both have focused on working on ourselves this entire time to become more confident and and secure in our own bodies. The last time we talked was back in June when we got dinner together and she has seen how I’ve grown as a man becoming more mature but she told me it’s hard to really belive it since I have yet to move out of my parents (I’m 27 right now). I have just been investing all my money to build wealth for my future to buy a home and have it easy for retirement. Now my birthday is on the 18th and I’m positive she is going to wish me a happy birthday. I’m now 100% going to get a place by the end of the month. She has been at her sisters house for the last few month since moving out of her apartment to put away money and she has to move out by the end of the summer according to her sister. With that being said I really want to ask her to dinner on the weekend of aug 21st and just tell her how I feel about her and that I feel like since getting my life together I feel like the only thing I am missing is her and I know that she has to move out soon and I want to ask her if she would maybe want to give it another shot and get a place together. I would tell her that we can choose something together and if things don’t work out that I would move back home with my parents and continue to pay half the rent if until the lease is up since I want this so bad.

So I guess what I need help with understanding is… do I just miss her not being around because we were together so long or do I truely understand now what I had and it’s gone. She loved me so much and was so loyal to me. She is amazing with her nieces and nephews and she would make the best mom and partner in the world. I recognize all this now and I feel like I am 100% certain I wanna be with her the rest of my life.

Sorry for the ultra long post and I hope it makes sense. I appreciate any and all advice. I just really need some direction.