I want to feel destroyed

It’s been five weeks and I feel normal. I didn’t have a stress reaction to seeing a movie that was about a suicide, which I didn’t know beforehand. I don’t cry. I feel like I’m forcing myself to cry. And when I think of her I don’t feel much. Almost like she was from a past life. I love her so much. I wish she was still here. But she was also in so much pain and I grieved a bit before she died. And now I just feel dry. I had this feeling before, a few days after she died. But then the pain sucker punched me again. I just want to feel like I’m getting a slap in the face. I smoke way more than I did before and I try to drink as much as ‘socially’ possible in social settings where there is alcohol. I just want to feel something.